She slowly accepted the truth.  What she thought was the truth, guessed to be the truth.  He said to move on that he was done.  She is a follower of rules.  His rules.   She always followed and obeyed his wishes.  This would not be any different.

She responded to a text from someone who was interested in her.  She set a date.  She didn’t want to.  They had dated before.  She wasn’t mean to him, but she didn’t pursue him.  Something in the university had him contacting her again. She wasn’t sure what she wanted to do.  Go on with her life to prove she could survive without Daddy and hope he regrets cutting her loose.  Or, crumble and spend the rest of her days alone and have him know that, and feel horrible about how he cut her loose.  She wasn’t sure which way to go.  When the text came in she made a snap decision and said yes to drinks, unsure of what would happen or how things would go.

She prepared for the date.  She used different soap so she wouldn’t smell the same as Daddy liked her to smell.  She did her hair differently so that it would look the way Daddy liked it.  She reached for her make up bag and changed her mind.  She went into the closet and found the old make up she no longer used because Daddy wasn’t a fan of it.  She wore lipstick.  Dark pink lipstick.  Daddy hated lipstick or any kind.  It was messy.  She made sure it was thick and glossy.

She dressed in contradiction to everything that Daddy liked to see her in.  She intentionally pulled out every piece of clothing he didn’t care for and that she had placed in the back of the closet so she wouldn’t wear it by mistake.  The shirt he felt was too low for anyone other than him to enjoy.  The shoes he gave her that he told her she should only wear for him, but that he never saw her in.  The perfume he didn’t like because he liked her to smell like jasmine.

She looked in the mirror when she was done getting ready.  Staring back at her was someone she didn’t recognize.  She felt odd.  She missed how she looked when she prepared for Daddy.  She fought the tears.  He had molded her to be what she was.  The only recognizable thing that was once Toy was the blonde hair.  He always said he felt she would be beautiful as a blonde.  And so she was.  The shade of blonde he wanted.  She couldn’t change that.  That part of Toy would have to go with her.

She walked to the door after hearing the door bell, wiping away the tear that had managed to escape her eye before it ran down her cheek ruining the painted face she had created.  Reaching for the door knob she made one last attempt to leave Daddy and Toy in the bedroom where they stayed in the form of all the memories and gifts they had gathered together over the past 7 years.




If you’re a parent, today is a day to think about how you make your D/s work while raising kids. And if you’re not a parent yet, imagine how you might handle things if you have children.

This is funny to me.  When my daughter was growing up I was very vanilla.  Her dad and I separated when she was five.  We didn’t have a lot of sex and when we did it was quiet, vanilla and boring.   We had joint custody so any dating that eventually started happening I only did when she was with her father.  I met a man who was into things that was outside my realm and that is how the BDSM interested started.  That man and I didn’t get into the D/s relationship but we talked about more than I had ever with anyone else.

I always had a very open relationship with my daughter about sex and sexual relationships.  When she was 8 years old, I was in a very undercover relationship with a woman.  She was “Aunt” to my daughter which I hated but it was complicated.   My entire life was centered around no one finding out because I knew hat most wouldn’t accept my choices.  One night my daughter came to me and asked me if “Aunt” and I could get married would we?  I almost fell over.  Kids know.  She knew.  Prop 8 was all over the news and she was clearly paying attention to that and the conversations that were being had.  From that day forward, I decided I wouldn’t hide anything from her.  She was older than her years and could handle things with conversation.

Fast forward to my first D/s relationship (undercover as it was), when my daughter was in the presence of me and Daddy, she later told me that the sexual tension between us was obvious and asked me what was going on.  So, I explained.  I explained the friend part, the D/s part, the lover part, the undercover and why part, the threesome with his primary part.  As each level of my relationship with him unfolded, she was my confidant.  She was my sounding board.  She was my supporter.  She had a very healthy sex life with her boyfriend and then girlfriend.  She was amazing.  Didn’t judge.  She had questions and to some of my answers on the submissive servitude, she responded, “oh, fuck no!”  We have few differences but that was one!  It made me laugh.  She handled everything so wonderfully and supportive.  And, she now is living with me again, with her girlfriend, and they have been amazing through this break up that has literally rocked my world.  She was friends with him as well.  She misses him too.

I know that not all situations would be this easy and seamless.  I can’t imagine how it would be raising younger children.  I can imagine that creativity and being covert is a huge part of it.  But I do know that being as honest with your kids as possible when they are old enough to understand is crucial to their ability to have strong and healthy sexual relationships of their own, no matter what those relationships look like.


Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM


Tasks and Rituals

Can you think of tasks or rituals you already have or some you think you’d like to have that could be incorporated in a current or future D/s relationship?

In my future D/s relationship I do want tasks and rituals.  I am that type of person.  I want to know what is expected and when it is expected.  I am a rule follower and I tend to thrive in those kinds of situations.

In my past relationship, it was complicated by friendship.  I was never sure when I arrived to his house if I should kneel at his feet or sit next to him on the couch.  Make him drinks or help myself to the frig.  We talked about it but never really got any standard rules or routines to it.  I never knew.  I believe he enjoyed that part of it which is why he never really set anything in place.  I also believe at times he just didn’t feel like being a Dom.

I am nervous about submission now.  I am afraid I will be in the same place again so I’m trying to set up strategic ways that I can protect myself.  Of course you want to start as friends, but then will I be in the same place again?

I enjoy doing for others.  I enjoy not questioning what is expected of me.  I also very much enjoy being respected as a submissive.

I would enjoy having dinner planned if not ready if I am home first.  I would enjoy doing small tasks for someone who they do not have time to do.  Opening mail and sorting the important from the junk.  Knowing what kind of whiskey they like and always having that at my house so they can feel comfortable when they come over.  I would also enjoy knowing that I will get rewarded or compensated for the things I do.

Cloudy mind right now, so who knows what anything will look like later.  Maybe some day.  I do believe that knowing what I don’t want is just as important as knowing what I do want.  I’m nervous about getting into any relationship right now.  What if everything I thought I wanted was just wrapped up in him?


Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM


When a D/s relationship ends…

This was today’s thought-provoking email.  I don’t know how to respond to this one.  On Monday, my Sir told me we were through.  I made a mistake.  A big one.  He responded with the heat and temper I had witnessed but it was never directed at me.  Through text he told me I was manipulative and I had hurt him too much, he was done.  He even said “fuck you, T…” using my real name and not the name he gave me.  He is furious, done with me and has not spoken to me since.  He told me to move on.

Devastated doesn’t cover it.  I am mourning not only the D/S, but my best friend.  He saved me and carried me through so many things in my life and the fact that he is gone as my friend is devastating.  I feel responsible.  I feel so many things right now I can’t wrap my brain around it.

I will write more about it when I can.  Right now I am drowning.  My mask is melting and I fear that others will see the true pain I am feeling.  Part of me doesn’t care, but because we were under cover as a couple and only friends on the surface, people will notice the friendship shift, but will never know the true pain I am feeling.

I miss him.  I hurt him.  He is gone.  I just don’t know what to do or how to handle what I am feeling on so many different levels.  It is a pain I have never felt before and I have been through some shit that would seem to top this feeling.  But it doesn’t.  The loss of him is unbearable right now.

I will write about it, I know that will help.  Maybe later.

Many thanks to Kayla Lords and John Brownstone for keeping in touch through email and allowing me to reach out when I felt I had no one.  As busy as they are they were responsive and supportive.  Thank you!

Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM


Sub Frenzy

You might have never heard of subfrenzy and still experienced it whether as the submissive or a Dominant. It’s a moment that happens for new submissives or submissives in new relationships where they get a little intense about their submission, sometimes to the detriment of their own safety. It can be overwhelming in healthy relationships and dangerous in bad relationships. It’s good to know what it is and how to recognize it, even if you’re past the point of thinking you’ll be affected by it.

My first and only experience as a sub was exhilarating.  I loved the prospect of it.  I researched and looked at different things and options.  I would imagine what would happen and think about all the possibilities.  Thankfully my Dom was knowledgeable and smart and caring.  He made sure I took it slow.  He didn’t overwhelm me with much.  He always left me wanting more.  Never took it too far.  It was a very nice way to be introduced.

I was in frenzy.  I was desperate to be with him and serve him and have him use me how he wanted.  Looking back now I’m sure I was irritating and very intense.  He had always had other things going on and I was needy.   I know I tried to make him feel bad and guilty about the lack of time he spent with me.  It didn’t work.  He knew what he was doing and I suppose the bottom line was he was only going to have me when he wanted and the time was right for him.  Sometimes I think it was like using me and just keeping me around when others were not available.  In away that hurts, but isn’t that what being submissive is?  I don’t really know anymore, but I enjoyed being available.  The frenzy was hard on me in ways that I am not sure a Dom can understand unless they really try to want to.

As a sub I had needs too.  It could be months before we would have time together and what bothered me most was that it seemed to bother him way less than it did me.  Is that what being a sub is.  During the frenzy and even after, I would ask for things to do when we weren’t together so I would at least feel as if I was serving even if I couldn’t be with him.  That happened on some levels but it wasn’t substantial or continuous.

I handled the frenzy by trying to reason with myself about what I was truly feeling.  Thankfully I had done research and was able to reason with myself about what was happening.  I talked to my Dom about it and he agreed tat was what it was.  Having a conversation about was good.  He reassured me it wasn’t anything I had done wrong or wasn’t doing right, but that he had other things to do and take care of.  It was a matter of getting things straight in my head and being more rational than emotional.

The difficulty was that even out of frenzy I always felt like I needed and wanted more and he wasn’t available as much as I would have liked.


Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM


Sexual Availability


What do you think? Does it sound deliciously sexy?

In my situation, I was always ready for sex or play.  Looking back now I thought that was part of being submissive.  I wanted to be available whenever he needed me.  It was exciting.  I was always prepared.  Always had my nails done in the color of his choice.  I was always shaved how he liked.  I was always ready with his favorite bra and panties or nothing at all.  Sometimes it happened and sometimes it didn’t but I was always ready and willing.  It was my pleasure to be prepared and prepped for him.  It was what I felt was natural.


Or does it not sound appealing at all?

The down side was always be willing and ready and waiting but having nothing happen.  Looking back now the reasons we didn’t were many, but it was never because I wasn’t ready or willing.  I couldn’t imagine ever saying no or not being willing.  I always wanted him.  And serving him was without a doubt my pleasure.

Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM


D/s without sex??

Have you ever considered D/s without a sexual component?

Woah!  Nope!  Admittedly, with sex is the only D/s I have known or heard about, but recent research has shown there is more to it then the norm.  (Go figure).  Although with my current situation it feels like D/s with no sex and most of the times, no D/s.

Would you be interested in something like it?

You know… maybe.  I’ve been so caught up in my current situation with my current Dom that I never really think about anything other than fixing what is wrong “currently”.  But… I like being submissive and I like serving so I am curious if I would like a situation where sex was not a factor.  Trying to figure out what that would look like is a little strange.  Would it be just service without any kink at all?  Kink with out sex?  I don’t know.  The play and impact play that I like usually REALLY has me wanting sex too.  It is something to think about.

How important is sex to your current or future D/s relationship?

Sex is important to me.  Several levels and several reasons why this is so.

  • I am older (53). I was very late to realizing what I liked and what turns me on.  It took a long time to get here.  A long time of suppressed feelings and wants.  Being older and finding this out late in life makes me feel anxious about postponing or waiting.  I feel a different biological clock ticking.  I have good genes, but I don’t know how long I’ll be able to sustain the style of sex I want and have come to enjoy.  Playing with a 35-year-old Dom, I’m not sure he sees my perspective all the time.  He is craving kids and hears his biological clock ticking but for different reasons.  It is complicated.
  • I played for both teams because at some point my dislike, or disinterest in sex made me think I preferred women. Thought I had answered all my questions.  But I hadn’t.  Something was still missing.  After years of convincing myself there was something wrong with me, I revisited my interest in Kink and BDSM.  (I had shared my interest with a potential boyfriend after separating from ex-husband.  I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore, he violently raped me.  The whole time saying, “this is what you said you liked!” After I escaped, and the ordeal was over, I put aside my interest in kink and had serious trust issues with sharing that part of me with anyone).  I truly believe I have found my place so letting go of it now is difficult.  Sex is fun now (when I have it) and my Dom is very good at knowing what I like and need.  Although he is not in a good place right now, it is still something I want to hang on to.  I know anyone who has been following this has probably been screaming at the screen for me to move on.  But my current Dom was the first person I ever told about what happened to me.  Even my family didn’t know.  I went through the entire thing alone.  Partially because I was embarrassed I let someone that close, and partially because back then, BDSM and Kink were way less excepted or understood.  I knew that going public would destroy my family.  So, I went through everything alone.  The ordeal, the police reports, the court hearing and trials.  All of it alone.  It wasn’t until I met my Dom that he made me feel safe enough to talk about it and share what I had been through.  Then he helped me feel ok about wanting and liking what I do.  Again, its complicated.  Finding someone to trust again is hard for me.  But, maybe letting go of what I have discovered this far is harder.

Everything felt strange and new and exciting and scary… and then it went away.  I usually run from some of the emotions I feel.  I tend to be marinating in them with no way out.  I picture what close to perfect will be, but I just can’t get there.  Is it wrong to depend on sex and the kind of sex I like for the kind of relationship I want?  Could I have the relationship I want and not care about sex again?  So many questions.  So hard to figure out alone.


 Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM