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Impulsive, submissive, planner, organizer, organized, compliant, willing, able(?), independent, strong, strong willed, accepting, controlling, controlled, jealous, resentful, scared, fearful, hopeful, sad, depressed, lonely, alone. 

All these things could describe me.  Looking at the list it is terrifying.  I see so many contradictions.  How do I sort out who I am and where I am going?

Impulsive –

  • Most this is based on when I want things.   I don’t wait for sales.  If I want it, I buy it.  My addiction to Amazon is real struggle.  It is strange to me that I can know in my brain heart and soul that I don’t have the money, or I should save the money for, (oh, I don’t know… maybe taxes, buying a house, paying down the bills… you know, the little things), but if I want it, I get it.  To be fair, not just for me but gifts for others too!
  • Sex – impulsive in that I see what I want and I go after it, with one person in particular.   That is basically how I started in this new realm.  I met someone who hinted at where he was and what he was into and once I understood, I went after it.  I was starved for the experiences and what he could teach me.  It was complicated (isn’t it always).  I did everything possible to make myself available to him.  Postponed doctors appointments, blew off my family, lied to the person I was with just to spend time with this amazing man that I knew could take me paces I longed to go and some places I had no idea existed.