Impulsive, submissive, planner, organizer, organized, compliant, willing, able(?), independent, strong, strong willed, accepting, controlling, controlled, jealous, resentful, scared, fearful, hopeful, sad, depressed, lonely, alone.
All these things could describe me. Looking at the list it is terrifying. I see so many contradictions. How do I sort out who I am and where I am going?
- Most this is based on when I want things. I don’t wait for sales. If I want it, I buy it. My addiction to Amazon is real struggle. It is strange to me that I can know in my brain heart and soul that I don’t have the money, or I should save the money for, (oh, I don’t know… maybe taxes, buying a house, paying down the bills… you know, the little things), but if I want it, I get it. To be fair, not just for me but gifts for others too!
- Sex – impulsive in that I see what I want and I go after it, with one person in particular. That is basically how I started in this new realm. I met someone who hinted at where he was and what he was into and once I understood, I went after it. I was starved for the experiences and what he could teach me. It was complicated (isn’t it always). I did everything possible to make myself available to him. Postponed doctors appointments, blew off my family, lied to the person I was with just to spend time with this amazing man that I knew could take me paces I longed to go and some places I had no idea existed.