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Different

She slowly accepted the truth.  What she thought was the truth, guessed to be the truth.  He said to move on that he was done.  She is a follower of rules.  His rules.   She always followed and obeyed his wishes.  This would not be any different.

She responded to a text from someone who was interested in her.  She set a date.  She didn’t want to.  They had dated before.  She wasn’t mean to him, but she didn’t pursue him.  Something in the university had him contacting her again. She wasn’t sure what she wanted to do.  Go on with her life to prove she could survive without Daddy and hope he regrets cutting her loose.  Or, crumble and spend the rest of her days alone and have him know that, and feel horrible about how he cut her loose.  She wasn’t sure which way to go.  When the text came in she made a snap decision and said yes to drinks, unsure of what would happen or how things would go.

She prepared for the date.  She used different soap so she wouldn’t smell the same as Daddy liked her to smell.  She did her hair differently so that it would look the way Daddy liked it.  She reached for her make up bag and changed her mind.  She went into the closet and found the old make up she no longer used because Daddy wasn’t a fan of it.  She wore lipstick.  Dark pink lipstick.  Daddy hated lipstick or any kind.  It was messy.  She made sure it was thick and glossy.

She dressed in contradiction to everything that Daddy liked to see her in.  She intentionally pulled out every piece of clothing he didn’t care for and that she had placed in the back of the closet so she wouldn’t wear it by mistake.  The shirt he felt was too low for anyone other than him to enjoy.  The shoes he gave her that he told her she should only wear for him, but that he never saw her in.  The perfume he didn’t like because he liked her to smell like jasmine.

She looked in the mirror when she was done getting ready.  Staring back at her was someone she didn’t recognize.  She felt odd.  She missed how she looked when she prepared for Daddy.  She fought the tears.  He had molded her to be what she was.  The only recognizable thing that was once Toy was the blonde hair.  He always said he felt she would be beautiful as a blonde.  And so she was.  The shade of blonde he wanted.  She couldn’t change that.  That part of Toy would have to go with her.

She walked to the door after hearing the door bell, wiping away the tear that had managed to escape her eye before it ran down her cheek ruining the painted face she had created.  Reaching for the door knob she made one last attempt to leave Daddy and Toy in the bedroom where they stayed in the form of all the memories and gifts they had gathered together over the past 7 years.

 

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Parenting

If you’re a parent, today is a day to think about how you make your D/s work while raising kids. And if you’re not a parent yet, imagine how you might handle things if you have children.

This is funny to me.  When my daughter was growing up I was very vanilla.  Her dad and I separated when she was five.  We didn’t have a lot of sex and when we did it was quiet, vanilla and boring.   We had joint custody so any dating that eventually started happening I only did when she was with her father.  I met a man who was into things that was outside my realm and that is how the BDSM interested started.  That man and I didn’t get into the D/s relationship but we talked about more than I had ever with anyone else.

I always had a very open relationship with my daughter about sex and sexual relationships.  When she was 8 years old, I was in a very undercover relationship with a woman.  She was “Aunt” to my daughter which I hated but it was complicated.   My entire life was centered around no one finding out because I knew hat most wouldn’t accept my choices.  One night my daughter came to me and asked me if “Aunt” and I could get married would we?  I almost fell over.  Kids know.  She knew.  Prop 8 was all over the news and she was clearly paying attention to that and the conversations that were being had.  From that day forward, I decided I wouldn’t hide anything from her.  She was older than her years and could handle things with conversation.

Fast forward to my first D/s relationship (undercover as it was), when my daughter was in the presence of me and Daddy, she later told me that the sexual tension between us was obvious and asked me what was going on.  So, I explained.  I explained the friend part, the D/s part, the lover part, the undercover and why part, the threesome with his primary part.  As each level of my relationship with him unfolded, she was my confidant.  She was my sounding board.  She was my supporter.  She had a very healthy sex life with her boyfriend and then girlfriend.  She was amazing.  Didn’t judge.  She had questions and to some of my answers on the submissive servitude, she responded, “oh, fuck no!”  We have few differences but that was one!  It made me laugh.  She handled everything so wonderfully and supportive.  And, she now is living with me again, with her girlfriend, and they have been amazing through this break up that has literally rocked my world.  She was friends with him as well.  She misses him too.

I know that not all situations would be this easy and seamless.  I can’t imagine how it would be raising younger children.  I can imagine that creativity and being covert is a huge part of it.  But I do know that being as honest with your kids as possible when they are old enough to understand is crucial to their ability to have strong and healthy sexual relationships of their own, no matter what those relationships look like.

 

Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM

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Tasks and Rituals

Can you think of tasks or rituals you already have or some you think you’d like to have that could be incorporated in a current or future D/s relationship?

In my future D/s relationship I do want tasks and rituals.  I am that type of person.  I want to know what is expected and when it is expected.  I am a rule follower and I tend to thrive in those kinds of situations.

In my past relationship, it was complicated by friendship.  I was never sure when I arrived to his house if I should kneel at his feet or sit next to him on the couch.  Make him drinks or help myself to the frig.  We talked about it but never really got any standard rules or routines to it.  I never knew.  I believe he enjoyed that part of it which is why he never really set anything in place.  I also believe at times he just didn’t feel like being a Dom.

I am nervous about submission now.  I am afraid I will be in the same place again so I’m trying to set up strategic ways that I can protect myself.  Of course you want to start as friends, but then will I be in the same place again?

I enjoy doing for others.  I enjoy not questioning what is expected of me.  I also very much enjoy being respected as a submissive.

I would enjoy having dinner planned if not ready if I am home first.  I would enjoy doing small tasks for someone who they do not have time to do.  Opening mail and sorting the important from the junk.  Knowing what kind of whiskey they like and always having that at my house so they can feel comfortable when they come over.  I would also enjoy knowing that I will get rewarded or compensated for the things I do.

Cloudy mind right now, so who knows what anything will look like later.  Maybe some day.  I do believe that knowing what I don’t want is just as important as knowing what I do want.  I’m nervous about getting into any relationship right now.  What if everything I thought I wanted was just wrapped up in him?

 

Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM

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D/s 24/7?

Do you want to go to 24/7 at some point?

I have always thought that I did.  Now I am not so sure.

Why or why not?

My one and only experience in D/s was long distance and under cover of sorts.  I enjoyed the idea of things, but I am not sure I would classify it as D/s.  I enjoy doing things for people.  I enjoy having tasks and things that I need to do.  It makes me feel productive when I have a list of things to do and I accomplish them.  This is me, and I am not sure if it is solely D/s.

Having said that, I was thrilled when the tasks I had to do were a directive from Daddy.  There is a different feeling that comes from doing things for someone else, at their request or command.  Daddy would decide my nail color, how I would dress etc.  He always gave me a say but his was the final decision most of the time.  So I think I would enjoy it 24/7.  I wanted it so badly but I am not sure if it was because it is what I want, or if it was because I wanted it with him.  I am not sure how I would feel if I ever have the opportunity to be in a 24/7 D/s relationship for real.  Ours wasn’t real.  So I guess we shall see on that one.

What do you think that would mean for your D/s relationship?

I would look forward to having consensual guidelines, structure, etc.  Tasks to do to make him happy.  Schedules and routines that we could both count on.  I would want the Dom to be able to follow through with what he promised me and offered me.  I would want it to be a mutual thing and not one sided.  I do not want to ever by under cover with a relationship again.  I do not want to ever be the other women or the part time anything unless all are aware and my needs and concerns have the same level of priority as everyone involved.  I want there to be a mutual amount and equal level of love and consideration for each other.  Currently, these seems very out of reach for me.  Trust is gone, love is gone, faith is gone.

 

Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM

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When a D/s relationship ends…

This was today’s thought-provoking email.  I don’t know how to respond to this one.  On Monday, my Sir told me we were through.  I made a mistake.  A big one.  He responded with the heat and temper I had witnessed but it was never directed at me.  Through text he told me I was manipulative and I had hurt him too much, he was done.  He even said “fuck you, T…” using my real name and not the name he gave me.  He is furious, done with me and has not spoken to me since.  He told me to move on.

Devastated doesn’t cover it.  I am mourning not only the D/S, but my best friend.  He saved me and carried me through so many things in my life and the fact that he is gone as my friend is devastating.  I feel responsible.  I feel so many things right now I can’t wrap my brain around it.

I will write more about it when I can.  Right now I am drowning.  My mask is melting and I fear that others will see the true pain I am feeling.  Part of me doesn’t care, but because we were under cover as a couple and only friends on the surface, people will notice the friendship shift, but will never know the true pain I am feeling.

I miss him.  I hurt him.  He is gone.  I just don’t know what to do or how to handle what I am feeling on so many different levels.  It is a pain I have never felt before and I have been through some shit that would seem to top this feeling.  But it doesn’t.  The loss of him is unbearable right now.

I will write about it, I know that will help.  Maybe later.

Many thanks to Kayla Lords and John Brownstone for keeping in touch through email and allowing me to reach out when I felt I had no one.  As busy as they are they were responsive and supportive.  Thank you!

Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM

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D/s Drop

Have you ever felt a drop after kinky play?

I have. We didn’t have huge long scenes often.  Our timing was difficult.  I remember the scene and I remember being so focused on my body.  More so than ever before.  I wasn’t worried about the way my body looked, the fat moving around, none of the normal things.  I was so focused on what was being done and how my body was responding.  When it was over, I feel apart emotionally.  It was a couple of days before I was back to normal.  It was a strange feeling of pride, sadness, longing, missing him, needing him, not knowing what to do with myself, confusion, clarity, etc.  I was a hot mess and I didn’t realize why.  Our situation made it difficult for him to take care of me how he would like and how I needed him to.  We didn’t plan for it and since I didn’t know what was happening, I didn’t know what to do or ask for.  I didn’t talk to him about it because I didn’t want to bother him. Knowing now, what that was is a comfort that I wasn’t losing my mind.  Not having him anymore makes me almost wish I could feel it again and to have that experience again.  Hopefully I will again soon, and hopefully it will be a situation that it can be handled differently.  Knowledge is power.  

 Can you come up with some ways you might help yourself or your partner through it?

I want to make sure that if it happens again I am prepared.  I have to say in a strange way I didn’t mind going through it.  I wish I had known more back then and could have processed it for what it was.  The other perspective is that I spend 95% of my time hiding my feelings and emotions.  I rarely let people see what is truly going on, even though, I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Contradiction?  Yes.  I will tell anyone what they want to know, and I am an open book.  But I rarely tell you how deeply I feel about things.  Sub-drop allowed me to feel everything and took my power of masking everything away.  If it happens again, I hope that I can process it through with my Dom and get the care I need.  I’m not sure how that will look but I know I will need more after care than my last situation allowed.  That isn’t a statement on him, but on me and what I am willing to accept and need to ask for, require.  It is a rare for me to allow myself to be so open about my pain, physical and emotional.

 

Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM

Letting Go

In life we always have gains and losses.  It is how things go.  The gains and losses are both good and bad, happy and sad, anxiety heavy and stress free.  We take these gains and losses one at a time.  Some we handle better than others.

After my first dad died, I sent flowers to my mom and sister every year on the anniversary of his death.  His birthday was in the same month, but for some reason, I felt that sending flowers on the anniversary of his death made sense.  It was how I dealt with it.  It seemed to help me that my mom and sister would be receiving something nice on a day that held nothing but sadness for us.  I never thought about how it may be impacting them or that maybe they didn’t want the reminders.  Perhaps they would have preferred those flowers on a day that meant nothing.  A gesture from me on a regular day, just because I wanted to make them smile.  It was my sister who approached me on a random day and asked me why I still sent the flowers.  I told her because I wanted them to know I was thinking of them.  “We know you are.  We don’t need the reminder.  It is depressing to look at the flowers  and know the reason they are there.”  Point taken.  From that day forward I took that lesson and applied it to all the bad memories of bad days, deaths and losses, and dealt with them on my own.  Most of the time alone.

We all deal with things differently.  There are limitless processes that people handle loss and sadness.  And that is ok.  WE don’t all have to handle things the same way.  Even in the same family, we survive independently together.  Some families pull together and get stronger and handle things with a team like process.  Some families grow apart and handle things isolated, individually, quiet and not sharing their feelings.  The success of either or these and many more processes is hit or miss.

The bottom line is that there is no right or wrong way.  Sometimes when things don’t work, people can decide to change their processes when things don’t turn out their way or they can accept that their processes are what they are.  Some see the problems and the obstacles in their way, some do not.