Blank Page

Staring at a blank page has become my norm of late.  It is hard for me to put into words everything I’ve been feeling and not much of it has been sexy, kinky or light-hearted.  There is so much fear in the air that staring at a blank page seems the safest thing for me to do right now.

I’d love to say I have notes and a list of wonderful things to write on this blank page but I haven’t even felt compelled to do that.  Life has just been a bitch.  I saw a sign the other day that said something to the effect of “2020 didn’t even use lube!”  It made me giggle and it made perfect sense.

In November I was on a two-month hiatus from work.  Not my choice at all and while the reason was good for my client, for me it was just a pain in the ass. I took on a part-time job to fill the financial need and it just about killed me.  My positivity, my creativity, my mental health, my hope for humanity were all pushed to the most negative measure possible.  During that time I had surgery and while that went well, recovery is difficult and for sure doesn’t make you feel sexy.  Countless times I opened my blog to get some of the feelings out but the blank page didn’t do anything but make me feel worse.

The part-time job was in my home, in my basement with the spiders and crickets and silverfish bugs but I motored on for the money.  While on line with one client she saw my face change as a wolf spider crawled into my view.  From 6 feet away I could see the hair on his body.  He could have had beautiful dreds!  Then the basement started leaking from the pipes above my head.  A call to the landlord and he says he has to replace them all making it impossible for me to work down there.  While I have to admit I wasn’t too upset about not doing the work anymore because it was soul-sucking it was also money gone.  I opened the blog to face the blank page again and still lost the staring challenge.

By this time I was already back at the full-time job so money was not as much as an issue but nothing is ever that easy is it?  Enter the Corona Virus.  Rumors and fears and anxieties from others had my empathic nerve endings on active duty.  Trying to keep calm for those around me and be the constant voice of reason is usually my way but this one was harder than some others.  The backstabbing, lying, and scurrying for work has begun.  Scratching and clawing at each other to survive.  I made an offer to have my teamwork out of my home so that they will have work and pay if the building closes.  They denied the offer.  That was fine but then complained that I was taking all the work.  No good deed…

My Mom is 80.  More active than I am and probably healthier than me in many ways but she lives in a retirement community that is currently on lockdown.  I can only see her if I have a purpose (taking her to the doctor or bringing her food) and I need pre-approval to drive through the gate.  A small inconvenience considering the consequences of being careless.  I know she is safe and being cautious, but I also know that it is in these times she misses my Dad more than most.  He was always her voice of reason and he could reassure her better than I will ever be able to.

Once again, I found myself staring at the blank page.  Waiting for something fun and kinky and sexy to come to mind.  Once again, nothing.  Just nothing.  Two days ago my daughter, who has been staying with a friend called to tell me she is struggling with some old demons.  We have fought this fight before and will fight it again. This is what we do.  I can’t help but think, enough is enough!

There are no strict restrictions here, yet.  We have all been asked to distance ourselves and limit interaction.  I am lucky and have been told I can work from home.  For how long, no one knows.  I am not a huge social media person in my personal life.  That ended when Facebook got political.  With the limited interaction I thought I would check in with the family that is out of state and enjoy some furry puppy memes, and was greeted with someone suggesting “this virus is all bullshit and part of the plan of the democrats to try and win the election in November.”  Bye-bye Facebook.

Tonight I opened the blog once again and decided to just type.  Even if it was nonsense at least it was something.  The Smutlancer group (if you don’t know this group, you should) has always offered this as a technique to break through the blank page syndrome.  And here we have a post.

I wish good health and positive thoughts for everyone.  Whatever your struggles are with this current situation and other things that complicate your lives, I hope you find peace and a way to smile.  However,  you do that for yourself.  I believe we will all get through this.  Time will tell but unfortunately, how much time is unknown.  I think we take it one step at a time and one blank page at a time.

(while editing this I got a text from a friend with a link to Reddit of a cow drinking milk.  His whole head in a bucket of milk.  Two takeaways, my friends know me and how to make me laugh out loud and secondly, there are still good people out there). 

 

 

3 thoughts on “Blank Page

  1. I can relate to this so much. The last year has been a really tough time for me. I was looking forward to 2020 being a fresh start….clearly it has been hugely disappointing in that regard and fucking hell sometimes I am so tired of it all being so damn hard.

    I wish you well my friend. Stay strong and stay well

    Molly

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