There was a time when my alone time consisted of unhealthy foods and maybe even some alcohol. Mostly unhealthy foods and soda. Over the past three years, I have learned and worked on creating new ways to have alone time that are healthy and more emotionally supportive. I have also found ways to relieve my emotions that won’t eventually come back to cause me more stress than the original stressor. Alone time never use to be a good thing for me. It was too quiet, gave me too much time think with little time to sort my thoughts around the voices that told me I wasn’t good enough.
I still have those moments, don’t get me wrong. There is still the occasional can of icing and a bottle of coke because my addiction to sugar is a bitch. They aren’t as often as they use to be and I can give myself a break on the few times I weaken to the caramel-colored liquid in the red can that actually burns as it runs down my throat but I drink it anyway. It is like sweet whiskey with 16 tablespoons of sugar. The icing is usually vanilla and I keep it in the refrigerator and treat it like ice cream. It sounds gross to most who don’t like sweets and I get that. But for me, it was and still is in some ways, my release.
I wasn’t on a quest to find other ways to release my emotions without sugar. I knew I could run, walk, workout, take up knitting to keep my hands busy, there are a ton of options. None of that helped me work through my feelings of not being enough, or good enough. It was just the sugar that I wanted.
About six years ago I discovered masturbating. Late to the game as usual but I was never one that touched myself in my younger days. Over the past few years with the help of my ex-Dom, I learned that I could pleasure myself in many ways and it was ok. It wasn’t until much later and even after my break up with my Dom that I realized the release it gave me. The benefit was just physical at first. It soon became more than that. I began to recognize the emotional benefits of it. Whether I was alone with my thoughts and focused on myself, or I was fantasizing and thinking about others, I was able to be in the moment with myself. For the time I spent with myself making myself feel good I was able to sort the negative thoughts out of my head, if only for a brief time.
Through the years and more since I have been completely single, I have learned more and more to appreciate the times I give to myself to spend with myself. I don’t do it often enough. There are times where masturbating is just a thing I do for physical satisfaction. It is quick and to the point. It is when I set aside time to truly clear my mind of negative thoughts and focus solely on myself that I realize I am enough and I am good enough – for me.