Birthdays can be difficult for me. It is rare that I walk around in my birthday suit on my birthday. This is because my birthday is in February and we usually have snow and cold weather. Today is chilly and windy so instead of my birthday day suit I had sweat pants and hoodie on. I was sitting at the dining room table and felt something warm on my back. I realized it was the sun. I stood up and looked out the window and while it was still windy the sun was heating the window and the warmth was coming through. It felt amazing. Making me long for Spring even more.
As I stood there with the small stream of sunlight on my face and chest I took it in and shut my eyes. I was alone today. Birthdays are weird to me. My daughter was working and my mom had something to do. We are celebrating Monday with dinner for three and I am looking forward to that. I have thoughts about being alone today but I’m pushing them away and just looking forward to what is yet to come. A friend I am very casually seeing got pissed because I didn’t tell him it was my birthday and I am trying to process that. We aren’t in a place that it should matter but that is his thing to sort out. I stood in the sun on February 15th and even though I was inside, it still felt good.
I decided I needed to feel the sun on my body. I looked outside considering going on the porch for the sun and maybe a photo but there was a lot of community activity. So, missing the seclusion of my farm I settled for getting naken in front of the window. By the time I made this decision and got undressed the sun had already moved a bit so you really can’t see it in the photo but it was there. Warm (enough) and inviting. I stood there for about 10 minutes.
This was a very different birthday for me. Birthdays in the past were going out to dinner with my wife, or her planning surprise parties for me (that were never a surprise) and having all of our friends come over or meet at a restaurant for steamed crabs and beer. Admittedly, it makes me a little sad. I miss her in a lot of ways. So this birthday was quiet as I sat alone in the house with the two dogs working on a project for the wedding I am a bridesmaid for in April.
I sat there wondering if this is how I should be spending my birthday but then realized I should spend it however I wanted to spend it. I could have done whatever I wanted. I could have napped, gone shopping, walked the dogs, cleaned the house, or whatever I chose. So sitting there cutting paper flowers or standing naked by the window were my choices and I think that makes for a pretty good birthday. They are, after all, what you make them.