Fear

The word FEAR with words inside each letter with different colors the primary colors ar red and black and yellow

I have talked a lot about fear in many of my posts.  When I saw this prompt from Erotic Journal Challenge I thought I had a post on this topic already so I ran through some past posts and couldn’t find one dedicated to it.  Interesting because it is the main theme running through my life.  So here we go – a  post dedicated to fear.

If you are reading this for answers on how to reduce, avoid, limit fear this probably isn’t going to help you.  In all my years I haven’t figured out how to do any of that.  I am not even sure that I know fear when it presents.  Is it fear, anxiety, insecurity?  Or is it just me over-thinking things?  I still don’t know.  There all sorts of memes and sayings out there these days.  “The only thing holding you back is fear,” “Fear is the reason we don’t succeed,” etc., etc., etc.  I like them.  I see them and think, well done and creative.  They don’t help me though.  Perhaps the intent is to let people know that everyone or at least most folks have fear.  That’s nice, but I know that.

Could I help myself learn to deal with and mitigate my fears?  Sure!  There is therapy, self-help books, conferences, and many other tools that are out there.  All of these tools are functional and extremely successful.  I have read a few books and I have experienced therapy.  It was helpful.  It takes long term dedication and I know this too.  I wonder sometimes if focusing on the fear increases the fear.  That is probably wrong but I know that my focus on fear usually increases my fear.

The picture above struck me because as well as the word FEAR being large and showing an increase of fear by increasing the size, I also like the fact that it had other words inside to represent other fears.  Clever for sure but also resonated with me that fear comes in other ways we may not be able to identify exactly as fear.

I could have written every day in October on the themes from the prompt.  Anxiety?  Yep.  I don’t think mine is as severe as I have heard from others and because of that, I had never really thought that I had it.  It is also a “keyword” these days and I didn’t want to use the term and minimize others that truly suffer from anxiety.  We all have our own definition of this word and how it impacts us.  I get anxious about change.  I worry about a lot of things that I can not control.  I have always called it “overthinking”.  I assume it could also be anxiety.

Worry.  I am the queen of worry.  A trait past down from the master – my Mom.  She knows it is her weakness.  We have never been a family to just let things go.  There always seemed to be something else to worry about.  The things we knew about and the things that smacked us in the face.  I am still on the fence on which I prefer.  Because even the unexpected brings worry of “why didn’t I see that coming?”  I told you the worry level is crazy over here.

Self-doubt?  Oh boy! Half of why I waited for the last week in October to even write anything is that I wasn’t sure I had enough to say.  Would I be able to make sense of it all?  Nope!  Because it doesn’t make sense in my head either.  From my character being in self-question these days to my writing ability, my life, my role as a daughter, mother, sister, friend, lover I am dripping with self-doubt.  I wish I was one of those balls to wall kind of folks that just go forth and conquer and take those “non-successes” as lessons and get up and go again.  I am not one of those people.  Hopefully, someday I will be.

So fear for me is wrapped up into a million different pieces.  I think about it, worry about it, get anxious about it, doubt myself over it… all of the above.  I work every day to try and ease my mind with all the buzz words and self-help stuff I have experienced.  Slowly things will start looking good and I’ll feel good about something and then those feelings, whatever category they fall under will creep back in.  I can focus on the positive and know that every day I wake up is a good day.

 

pink circle for the erotic journal challenge

 

#theeroticjournalchallenge

#eroticjournalchallenge

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Fear

  1. I, too, am a ball of self-doubt. I constantly deal with imposter syndrome and am paranoid that others don’t like me or find me bothersome (maybe that’s a little narcissism, too). I compare myself to others and I get anxious and worry and spin myself into a fury until I crash and the depression rushes in. A super healthy mix of bad emotional habits. Oh…so much to write about. So, I definitely get putting it off until the end.

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