For all the thrills we get from our kinks, impact play, bondage, suspension, there is also the lighter side we don’t often hear as much about. Or perhaps it is that I don’t talk about it as much, read about it as much or focus on it as much as I do the other kinks I enjoy. The tracing of a finger, the long stare, eyes connected and no need to look away. These are things that have been brought to my attention lately.
It has been a year since my D/s relationship ended. Much of my focus has been on the loss kinks that I enjoyed during the time we were together. That relationship was the beginning of my BDSM experiences. While I had an interest, that relationship took me farther than I thought possible. It showed me my strength, my control, my ability. It gave me confidence, it made me feel strong, beautiful and sexy. Losing that relationship and those kinks was, and still is a struggle as I try to find my new normal and try to find my lost kinks.
I put a lot of effort into trying to replace the kinks I lost. Recovering from the loss of the relationship was hard and it is hard to trust just anyone with those parts of me. I had offers, some ridiculous and creepy, but one was an option to get back what I lost and when I had the opportunity I couldn’t go through with it for various reasons. It was my decision and my knowledge of myself (possibly by what I discovered from my D/s relationship) that it wasn’t the right time or the right person or the right situation. While I didn’t handle that well, I handled it so that I came out knowing I did what was best for me.
The gentleman that I am spending time with (oh yes, yet another complicated situation) is not into BDSM. Not because he doesn’t want to be but it isn’t something he has knowledge of. He is willing and when the time is right I suppose we will start to experiment with different things. As a submissive, I am hesitant about “being the lead” on this new path but I like him and trust him.
For all the issues we have in our complicated situation we are a good match in the bedroom. Regardless of what I miss, I have come to learn to appreciate the other things. BDSM is a huge umbrella over a lot of things that can be considered kinks. I think I missed this in the beginning. BDSM seemed to be all the pain, control and power exchange, and unique ways to be submissive. I was focused on all of that in my first D/s relationship and while we cuddled and had moments of intimacy, and I appreciated those, I was always more focused on the impact play and my submissiveness.
Recently, while laying in bed, both of us fully clothed, watching TV, he spent about 20 minutes tracing a finger around my back. It was casual and I didn’t notice it at first. He started applying a little more pressure at times and then easier, softer, longer strokes, shorter strokes. I am not even sure that he was doing this consciously as a way to get things started. It seemed like a natural caress. Tracing a finger around my back with no apparent purpose was suddenly so intimate to me. He had never done that before and perhaps that is why it had such impact. This seemingly very casual trace of a finger, looking back at it now, seems almost like a step forward in our relationship.
Ok, maybe I am putting too much into the trace of finger but hang with me for a bit. When you spend four years experiencing different kinks that you have been curious about for years, most of which involve some form of pain, and then lose it, that loss becomes a focus. He and I talked about my submissiveness in the beginning of our relationship. Over time, I have decided to focus on what I have and not what I’ve lost in relation to my sexuality. This isn’t easy. I am a dweller on all things emotionally painful. Always trying to figure out why it happened and what I could have done better. (Because of course, it is always my fault).
This day, while we were enjoying what we call our “coffee and sex” get together, we were both feeling a certain way. It wasn’t good or bad, it was just a mood that we both shared. We didn’t want deep conversation about our specific situation, both ours together and individually. We didn’t want to delve into anything specific. We drank our coffee and watched mindless television and had casual conversation. We were relaxed and comfortable. We had more time than we normally do and perhaps that was part of it.
Tracing a finger around my back started without notice. Laughing at the stupid shit on the TV and the occasional light conversation made for a nice morning. The movement of his hand around my back was barely noticed. I’m not sure what brought my attention to it. Maybe the change in pressure, the change in direction, or his hand going under my shirt to touch bare skin, who knows? But when I did notice I surprised myself by just letting it be. I didn’t move into it. I didn’t instantly think I needed to respond at all. I just enjoyed it.
It was more of a moment for me than he knew or to be honest that he would even care about. I am not sure he truly understands my submissive side and what I miss from my past relationship. That is a good thing because it means he isn’t trying to replace anything or be something that he isn’t. He is being himself and offering what he knows and what he can at the moment. Truly, that is probably exactly what I need right now.
Lessons come in awkward and unexpected ways at times. Sometimes we look for what we have lost and focus on those things and there isn’t anything wrong with that. I don’t plan to let go of that part of me that is submissive or to let go of the kinks I have come to love. I still miss them. A lot. However, finding new things and new kinks can be as important as holding on to past ones. Perhaps my focus on kinks and pulling myself out of my vanilla existence of the past has blinded me to things that seemed vanilla to me. The cuddling, the eye lock, the simple tracing of a finger.
Tracing a finger around my back has me thinking of the softer teasing things that I may like but never considered. I still long for the things I miss, but it is nice knowing that I am capable of appreciating the new and unknown things. Just as I did with the kinks from my past D/s relationship, I will learn to open up and embrace those things I wasn’t looking for, and those things that find me.