Something spoke to me about this prompt “Authentic”. I’ve been struggling to find my words. Struggling to find my thoughts and put them into words. Actually, struggling to find my thoughts or make sense of them. Authentic is something I have always strived to be. I wanted to be authentic, honest and true to myself and everyone else, as best as I could. I was raised that way. My Mom was a shining example of authenticity. I don’t say this sarcasm but with sincerity. While she rarely said what was on her mind, whether she agreed or disagreed, she was always true to herself. My Dad had a sharper edge. I don’t mean that with disrespect, but again, with sincerity. He made no apologies for his honesty or direct approach. He was probably the most authentic person I have known. Unafraid to speak his true mind even if it was hurtful or in these days they call it politically correct.
Being authentic has slipped away from me. Only in certain circumstances but it has slipped. Parts of me have found more authenticity. My sexual self is more authentic. I am more honest about what I want, what I like, what I need. Coming late to this in my life it feels good, it feels freer, it feels more honest. I am proud of that part of me now. I enjoy it. Where I feel I have lost the authenticity of my sexual self is who I hide it from. There is the perspective that it is no one else’s business what I prefer in the bedroom (or in the woods). Sometimes though, I would like to be completely open and honest about it. Wear the collar (if I have one), post sexy things on social media without care of who sees. The other perspective, I don’t care about showing that side of myself, I enjoy the secret it appears to be. I suppose the perspective depends on my mood. I am okay with that.
Being authentic with my friends has been hard. Particularly the ones that have hurt me or betrayed me. My typical self is a forgiver. If you need 20 chances, I’ll give them to you. Even when I know you will hurt me again, I give the next chance and trust you will not hurt or betray me again. This always worked when I was younger. Maybe because I was naive, I don’t know. I didn’t consider it being authentic. I considered it being nice to people. I am a people pleaser so that is a huge part of it. I didn’t learn from my lessons and to a point, I was okay with that.
The betrayal that circles around my ex-Dom have multiple layers. His betrayal of our friendship, our relationship, and our D/s relationship was the biggest one. I never expected it and certainly didn’t expect his abrupt end to us – all of us. It is the multiple other people that he had entangled me with. His primary, his multiple others that I knew about and the multiple others that I didn’t know about. I trusted him with all I had and he crushed it. The problem is, I can get past what he did and his part of it. Parts of me already has. His actions were his own and I know I was good to him. I was authentic with him. I was everything he told me he needed me to be. And while some would say I morphed to fit his needs, the truth is, he brought out who I was wanting to be. The sub, the lover, the friend, I was all of that to him and it felt right and good when we were together. I was myself with him.
He did what he did for his reasons. This is me considering his next chance to treat me right. I know we will never have what we had but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still miss it and long for it. Even the tough and heartbreaking parts. It is those moments that I believe I grew. Maybe I didn’t grow stronger as I needed to but I grew as a person and as a woman. I am not responsible for his actions, only my own. This issue is, I have conflicted feelings about the things I did for him. Not sexual things. I don’t regret those things and even miss them more than I can admit. It was when he asked me to get his girlfriends back. To convince them he was a good guy and they should give him another chance. To lie to them. To be his alibi for them. (My being an alibi was the best for him. An older, supposed lesbian was surely not a threat to any of the women he was courting). To answer his texts and calls of desperation when he had fucked up with his current quest and respond to how he needed me to do so. Where was my authenticity there? How was I being authentic? Telling these women what he wanted them to hear knowing it was bullshit.
Looking back now, I realize that some of the women he was courting were hateful and evil. They didn’t want him for him the way I did. They wanted to change him, to make him what they wanted him to be. He didn’t see this. He said he did but that was so he didn’t look stupid. I would tell him often about the plans I could see in place. He refused to believe me. He refused to believe that I would know more than him or that he could be duped by these women. That made him look even more stupid. Then he would claim he didn’t care. He did care though. I was being authentic in telling him what I knew. What they told me. How they wanted to change him and mold him. He didn’t believe me and in the end, took their side most of the time. In the very end, he chose one of them over me without question. For me, that was devastating but it also made me question my authentic self. Was I really being authentic or was I just being his puppet?
I am trying to get some of my authenticity back. Going forward and trying to do better. I use to look at this like I was working to be different to spite him. To prove to him that he hadn’t broken me. That he hadn’t won. I’m not sure that is still how I feel. I really want him to see me and wish he hadn’t fucked it up. That is the most authentic thing I could say right now. Inside, I know who I am. I am not a liar, I am not spiteful, I am not vengeful. I don’t want to be a doormat, I don’t want to be broken, I don’t want to be pitied and I don’t want to be sad.
I want to be authentic. My version of authentic and to be authentic for me and no one else. That is what I will strive to regain.