I can’t remember the last time I posted anything or even what it was. It has been a rough few weeks when it comes to writing. Breaking through the block has always been tough for me. I never had a process to breaking through the block that I was aware of, I just starting writing and got back on the horse. This was different. I tried over and over again and either thought it was crap or got frustrated because there was no flow and deleted whatever was there.
Thanks to my The Smutlancers friends on Patreon, I was challenged to write this weekend. Or perhaps not challenged but made accountable for writing something this weekend. I received some pretty amazing and encouraging messages over the weekend. It is nice to have folks in my corner. So, while I missed the deadline of Monday, today, I am writing.
I want to write about kinky sexy stuff that runs through my mind or past experiences that I want to share. That is where the block is though. Oh, I still have stuff going through my mind and I do have a few experiences I could write about but nothing comes out right or sounds right. So I just stopped writing anything. Part of the reason I don’t write anything is because I started my blog to be a sexy place. When I am not feeling sexy and I write on the blog it still feels good to write. When I go back and review the blog it almost feels like a jumbled mess to me. Sexy stuff, mom stuff, trama stuff, life stuff, animal stuff, financial stuff. It feels like my focus is off. That’s the problem though. My focus is off. Breaking through the block or writing is one thing, but should I just write about anything?
It is no secret that I’ve been through a break up and in that break up I lost my opportunity to explore my kinks. Who knows if it is forever, but for now it is tough. I met someone on line who was sweet and caring and willing to work with me and carry me through. He was amazing. He was patient. We met in person and while we were both having a bad day, we just hung out. There was no pressure. We didn’t fuck or play or even talk about it. I left feeling conflicted. I could have messed around and played with him, but all I could think about sitting there was, he wasn’t Sir. So I left. The only reason I don’t feel horrible about it is that he understood. I just wasn’t in the right place. So writing about the kinky stuff that is or is not happening is hard.
Then there is this other guy. I am really into him, but he has a live-in relationship that he can’t seem to manage and it reminds me of the past, my patterns. I swore I wouldn’t go there again, but I am so fucking into this guy, it’s hard to just walk away. So, we are in the friends with benefit zone. It isn’t a bad zone but there is always this tug that we don’t have the freedom to be with each other when we want to and that is just too familiar for me. So writing about him, almost sounds like writing about Sir minus the kink and I don’t want to sound like a broke record so I don’t write about him.
I also go through the “why would anyone give a shit about this piece of writing?” and then it gets put on the shelf. Is breaking through the block worth writing rubish? Thing is, I know that others go through this too. It is difficult when you see everyone writing great things and doing great things and I’m just stuck on pause. Or, I think I have a good and original idea, and then I read something where someone else has already focused there, so I don’t move forward with it.
I am going to have a 2 month unwanted hiatus in the job that pays the bills coming up this winter which will definately impact my finances. I’m nervous about that and have many things on my mind all of which impact my writing and when and how I write, and what I write about. When everything you are thinking seems negative and troubled, it makes it difficult to put it out there. I am a really positive person and try to inspire others and be positive for others. So when I write and the negativity is all I see I feel like I should not post it. I don’t say much to friends or family unless the ask either because someone is always going through something worse than me.
This will also severly impact my ability to attend Eroticon 2020 in March. If I had to choose between paying my rent and going to Eroticon – I would choose Eroticon hands down. But I cant. This year for Eroticon, I wanted to surprise my daughter and bring her with me. I am hoping I can still work it out but it isn’t looking good.
But this weekend, while doing errands and getting Mom out for a bit in the back of mind was that I had promised my fellow Smutlancers that I would write this weekend. Because we are all in different places with our writing doesn’t mean we don’t all have an understanding for how it feels to struggle – in all aspects not just our writing.
So, while breaking the block is important and this still doesn’t sound like something I should post (my critical brain has not taken a vacation for sure) this post is a thank you to my Smutlancers for gently pushing and being there when I was clearly, if not silently, asking for help.
Thank you Smutlancers! It was a day late, but I got it done!
(And I’m loving that the red “readability” sad face is no longer of any consequence! Thanks Molly)