Every now and then you cross my mind. I can be having a good day and fostering all my new relationships and goals and then all of a sudden, you are there. There doesn’t have to be a trigger. I don’t have to hear your name. There is no need for me to see you, but you are there.
Mostly it is when things are going crazy and I reach for the phone to talk to you. LIke it use to be I just reach for the phone. I have even had your name pulled up to text before I realize that I can do that anymore. I can’t tell you about my day, my struggles, my worries. You aren’t there for me to guide me and advise me on the best course of action. It sucks actually.
I have gotten stronger over the past 10 months. You cross my mind less than you did before. More than I wished you did. You are nice to me now. We even text casually at work now. It isn’t a lot and it isn’t the same, but it is something. I wish my heart didn’t flutter every time it happened. My heart still hasn’t accepted that you aren’t here for us anymore.
It crossed my mind to have a party as we use to on the 4th of July.
I am not sure who to invite. I’d love to invite your girl. We are friends and talk a lot now. She lets me know that you are ok. I appreciate that because it is way better than not knowing you are ok. She would come and has said she would but you won’t. I doubt she would tell you where she was going. She never tells you when she hangs out with me. Yep! It is keeping something from you and even though you deserve it, I wish she would tell you.
Others will come but they will ask about you. We have too many people in common. I have a few new people in my life now and as much as I like them, it won’t be the same. I focus hard to not focus on you and your laugh and your smile. Your touch and your glance. The last party you were intent in making sure I was ok. You knew we couldn’t show how we were feeling. You checked in on me a lot that day.
You cross my mind at weird times
Are they weird though? Or they the normal time to think of you. I use to think of you every second of every day. it is less than that now. I can be proud of that… in some small weird way, I can be proud of myself for that. Can’t I?