Overthinking

I think and over think everything.  I am getting worse in some areas and better in others but basically, I am constantly over thinking things and worrying about things.  Sometimes I label it as processing.  I do that when I want to justify the worry and overthinking.  I get it honestly from my mother.  When she does it I tell her it will be okay or process with her so we can figure things out, but basically, I am just as bad as she is.

I have never explored the possibility of anxiety issues.  I was always the calm one in the family.  The one that took over and helped Mom or whoever needed it.  Growing up this started after our house caught fire when I was 15.  After that, I just felt obligated to make sure that everything and everyone was ok.  I was a fixer, helper, solver, closer.  I didn’t mind, it gave me purpose.  There was always someone that needed support and I was able to avoid focusing on me and my issues.

Now that I am alone it seems to be manifesting into something that I am unfamiliar with. 

Overthinking was a light way of putting what I was doing and it worked for a while.  Even in the worst times, I had a backup.  I was in a relationship or married and that person could pick up the slack when I was dealing with family or friends issues.  Some would say I was obsessive about it but I was able to help enough to make myself feel better, and as I said, avoid my own shit.   Now, I am alone.  I have good friends but clearly see they all have their own shit they are going through so I don’t share much.  Typically, I am an open book about what I am going through, but I am not as clear about how badly things are affecting me.

Lately, I have been feeling a certain way that I can’t explain.  When I listen to others it sounds like anxiety but I have never thought about myself as anxious or nervous.  I don’t self-diagnosis because I will probably come up with the worst possible scenario.  When I do that, I typically quickly dismiss it and then ignore what is going on.

There have been a lot of things in succession that has happened over the past year.  Things that have me in a constant state of overthinking.  The death of my father, and taking more time and attention for my mother, the loss of my D/s relationship and my best friend and lover.  My daughter moving home with her girlfriend and the adjustment and changes that presented.  Finding someone that I truly want a relationship with but realizing that relationship is part of a pattern I was trying to break.  On top of all of that, there is financial issues, professional issues and trying to take care of myself as well.

When I try and talk about it with my closest circle they are helpful

Is there is a part of me that gets comfort in the overthinking?  When I do share a little more with my friends how things are affecting me sometimes I get frustrated.  I know they are trying to help.  It makes me wonder if I just don’t want to let go of the over thinking.

Overthinking for me use to be a way of processing what was going on in my life.  Maybe there is too much going on right now and that makes me feel somewhat worse?  I am not sure.  Of all the things listed above I can “delete” the things, I can not do anything about.  My ex is gone, I can’t change that.  My father is gone, I can’t change that. There is no overthinking within my possibilities that will change that.  So when my wheels start to spin, I remind myself of those things.

Focusing on the things I can change is the key and I know that.  I then start to overthink the choices and possibilities I have to make things better.  I feel better when I make those decisions but it is a hard road to be able to make them.

Overthinking versus actually making a move.

Friday, I made some decisions and make some phone calls.  It was helpful.  I feel better.  That is all I can ask for right now.  Those decisions were in one aspect of what I have been overthinking so at least we ar one step closer to making things a little lighter on my brain.

 

everydamndayinjune

 

2 thoughts on “Overthinking

  1. You make a really good observation here when you note that overthinking was a useful tool for you to process what was happening in your life, but with so many life changing things happening in succession, such as the death of your father and the end of your relationship, it almost becomes too much to overthink about, and potentially moves in to dwelling and becoming overanxious. Finding a happy balance is key; if you’re finding that you are constantly overthinking, and dwelling on the past, then that is likely to be adding a stressor to your life and your mind. Trouble is that if it’s always been an automatic coping mechanism, how does one simply change the habit of a lifetime and switch it off? It’s a difficult one. Have you ever tried CBT? That can be useful in changing automatic patterns, and there are a number of good books, so you needn’t have to go in person. Whatever, if anything, you decide to do to find some mental quietude, good luck, and keep us posted.

    1. Thank you very much. I am working on it. I’m trying to get back into yoga and yes trying the CBT oil. The balance it calming me and putting me to sleep is a challenge. I’m working on it though. And trying not to over think that as well! Lol.

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