Someone asked me the other day, “How are you?”. I never really know how to answer that question. Particularly of late, I don’t know that I know the answer or could answer for that matter. My life for the past two years has been about finding my new normal. It seems like I am constantly trying to find my new normal. I usually just answer, “I’m fine.”
I know it is vague but It is an easy response. I go back and forth between wanting to explain how I am truly feeling, doubting they really care enough to listen and it was just a nicety, and not having the energy to truly go into it and do it justice. At least the justice I feel it deserves. So, “I’m fine” works for me most of the time.
Sometimes I feel if I truly sat down and explained what was happening with me no one would believe it. But others go through things that I don’t think I could handle so sometimes it is a matter of not wanting to burden others with my own crap. And so it goes.
To be honest, most of the time I am fine. I get up and do what has to be done. I pick my times to let the little things and the big things grab my focus. I add things to my “to do” list and keep busy, both body and mind. Usually, as I decide to go to bed the thoughts I’ve kept at bay creep in. If they crept in one at a time giving me a chance to process them that would be doable. They don’t though. They come in all at once and the overwhelming rush of emotions land like a brick.
Is it okay to say I’m fine when I know I am not (most of the time)
I know it depends on the person who is doing the asking. Do I want to share my deep stuff with them? Do I want to worry casual friends with it? Are they asking because they truly want to know? Split second analyzing isn’t my thing so it never really matters who is asking, I just say I’m fine.
I have a friend I can tell everything without worrying about how she is doing and she does the same. When we get together it can be a bitch fest or we laugh until we cry, both happy and sad cry. It is good for me to have that one person in my life. I reached a point where I didn’t (and still don’t) trust anyone. Friends that have said I could trust them, lied. The family that said they would support me, didn’t. I was always trusting. I gave people a million chances and forgave freely. I no longer do that – and that makes me sad.