I always look forward to Fridays. Whether I have the day off or have to work. I am seeing my friends baby tonight for the first time (he is four months, yes, I am a slacker). It is exciting because they have struggled and this is truly a good thing. I am also seeing a friend who got engaged last night. So there is a lot to celebrate and share with friends tonight and I am happy about that and grateful that I have friends to share these things with.
This is all good and this is also going to sound a bit horrible. Babies and engagements. They are constant reminders that those parts of my life are over. I know I could possibly get engaged again and possibly marry again (so very doubtful) but the baby thing is well a thing.
I never wanted kids. My daughter loves it when I say that. I got pregnant when we (my husband and I) were not trying and that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. It wasn’t until I felt the baby move and truly began to realize what was happening that I embraced the fact that I was, in fact, going to become a Mom. Losing him in the fifth month was one of the worst things I had gone through. When I came out of the fog all I wanted was to become a mother. My views had completely changed.
When I got pregnant with y daughter I couldn’t have been happier. She was and still is the light of my life. Through her life, she has made herself my hero. Being her mother is my best job and my best accomplishment. When I was pregnant I didn’t have a lot of friends that were having babies. They were either not in a steady relationship or they weren’t interested. So, I went through the process alone. My best friend was struggling to get pregnant and distanced herself. So I was alone.
She was the only kid I had. I tell her that I stopped when I realized how perfect she was. Which is partially true. For someone who never wanted kids, then ended up with a really great one, I wish I had had more.
Fridays in the past
Fridays were days that I have usually had off for as long as I can remember. After my daughter was born, Fridays were particularly special. It was our day. We went shopping, to the park, to a lake, or just stayed home and watched cartoons and made the day our own. Fridays were for us. Admittedly, I think we both dreaded the hour of her father coming home. Not for any covert reason, just that it meant our time was done for a while.
When she got older, she would come home to the farm after work and we would chat about her day and sometimes went down to the horses and just hung with them. As she got even older, that changed and was replaced with boys and friends, all the normal stuff. I understood. Fridays with my daughter turned in to Fridays and morning coffee with the horses. I made due, but still, miss those days with her.
My friend who just got engaged deserves to be happy. We have a history that revolves around my ex and we have struggled to get back to a good place. Things are getting better but there are still things that crop up and our conversations are still guarded. We use to spend Fridays together singing and drinking while my wife was at work. We looked forward to Fridays.
I am pretty vocal about the fact that I will never get married again. Always followed up with “I never say never”, but I’m pretty sure I won’t be walking down that path again. So, when she texted and I was immediately happy I was also feeling a certain way inside that didn’t’ make sense. Making it all about me isn’t’ my style, but when I went to bed it kept me awake. This feeling that I didn’t understand.
It isn’t jealousy because I’ve been engaged and married twice – I’m good with that. Maybe it is our history together and her ability to move forward while I am still stuck in the past with him. Or moving forward so slow it appears I am stuck. It could be that I was hopeful with a relationship I was pursing and on the same day she gets engaged, I was pretty sure that option was getting less viable. I am sad about that, but I knew it wasn’t going well. The information I got yesterday was expected.
Fridays haven’t changed in that I still look forward to them. I am absolutely ecstatic and looking forward to this evening and spending time with these really great ladies and their husband, baby, and soon to be husband. I am slowly getting more comfortable with attending these events alone as a single person. Getting to snuggle babies and enjoy the happiness they both are experiencing right now is exciting and I could use some happiness in my life right now. I also get to snuggle my friends pitbull who I babysit sometimes and I have missed her too!
Fridays will always be my favorite day. Even if I have to work on Fridays, it has always been a sign that I have accomplished (or survived) another week.