Choosing myself

Choosing myself has always been difficult for me.  I learned after my childhood home caught fire when I was 15 that life is bigger than just me.  I saw my family struggling and splitting apart and I stepped up to make sure that wouldn’t happen.  From that day, or at least from my memory, that day was the day I very unconsciously decided that I needed to put everyone else before me.  As in most things in my life (probably even before the age of 15) I am an “all or nothing” kind of person.  Unfortunately, I allowed this to happen over and over in all aspects of life.

For the most part, this was fine.  I didn’t suffer from my decisions.  It hasn’t been until recently (a few years) that I have noticed that this has become a problem from me.  Finding my worth, believing in my worth, accepting my worth has been a challenge and a difficult journey.

Making tough decisions

I am really bad at following and listening to my gut.  I have never trusted it.  Admiring those that do as I sit and question every feeling that screams at me.  Today was one of those moments.  I got some news that wasn’t a surprise.  Through text.  It was a general kind of thing, “hey this is happening”.  I instantly got this feeling that I should respond a specific way.  Just as quickly I got a feeling to say nothing because it may rock the boat.  Old habits die hard.

The conversation was light and friendly but I knew if I expressed how I felt it would not remain that way.  Within seconds my brain and heart played ping pong with all the decisions that become possible within those seconds.  Yes, it is a guy, and yes, it is familiar.  One of those places I swore I would never put myself in again.  So, my brain won and my fingers started typing a text I knew would not be received well.  I was right.

Right doesn’t always feel good.  I can be proud of myself for stepping up to the plate and stating my feelings on the matter and I suppose I do in some ways.  I knew it was the right thing to do.  Running through all the self-love bullshit babble… I deserve better, I am worthy, I am worth more, I am better than you know (which oddly I do believe to be the truth even though it sounds really arrogant).

Choosing myself but gentle in my proclamations

Even in my frustration or dare I say hurt, I am gentle with my choosing.  Choosing my timing, my words, my approach is always careful, thought out, and yes, gentle.  Today was no different.  It was met in kind.  Texting sucks and of course, it would have been better in person but that wasn’t possible.  Being met in kind didn’t make the response easier to handle or accept.  Yes, it was an exercise of choosing myself and yes, it should be a proud moment but it sadly it isn’t.

The reason I do not choose myself is that I am afraid of the outcome.  Good or bad, change makes me nervous.  I don’t know what this decision will do for me.  I don’t feel happy about it.  I’m watching the phone hoping I get another text that will tell me I didn’t make a mistake.  Even though I know it was the “right thing” to do, I am pretty nervous that something I really enjoyed and was interested in is now over.  Perhaps it should be.  I am truly not sure.

I could have been happy with how things were and this conversation could have waited for an in-person option.  Is it possible that I am both cautious and impulsive at the same time?  That is how it feels and right now it feels like a big mistake.  Choosing myself doesn’t feel so good right now.

 

 

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