Embarrassed – Have you ever been embarrassed to ask your partner for something sexually? Have you ever had an embarrassing sexual moment? Is there something about yourself you are embarrassed to show or share?
I NEVER asked for what I wanted during sex. Until Daddy and I started our relationship I thought I was defective. Strongly believing the reasons I didn’t enjoy sex were because I wasn’t capable of it. That was something I just accepted.
When I got involved with Daddy there was an amazing openness that I had never experienced. He encouraged me to ask for things and talk about what I wanted. He asked me questions and made suggestions and gave me an open door to speak freely about my wants and desires. We shared books and web sites that allowed me to explore things I wanted or might want. The scary things, the fun things, the exciting things. It was all an open topic.
Now, when trying to get involved with someone new, I feel oddly stuck between comfortable in asking and fearful of asking. Will they understand? Can I trust them with what I want? And the biggest fear, will I even want it from someone other than Daddy, and if I get involved in a D/s with someone else, will I ever be able to submit to them as I did to him and feel good about it?
In the past, before Daddy, everything was an embarrassing moment. Most of this circled around my weight and my body image. There were the occasional noises and things that happen naturally that back then were embarrassing. With Daddy, they were exciting. There was nothing embarrassing with Daddy. He made everything ok and even made a point to talk about the things that use to embarrass me and made them perfectly fine.
After that kind of openness and honesty, it is hard to hold back and not be clear about my expectations. Knowing that I am still hesitant. I have been honest with someone I am seeing now and while he gets it, he is a little apprehensive. He hasn’t said much about it but there is hesitancy. We aren’t at the place to really delve into much of it but when we are, if we are, I can handle it then.
I am very able to laugh at myself and my silly little mistakes. I have learned that sex is fun and should be enjoyed. There will always be things that don’t go well. Letting go of the Hallmark version of love and romance and embracing the dirt and grit of reality has been my release to getting what I want.