Rituals can be the bane of my existence at times. I know I have them, I just don’t always follow through with them. My usual morning rituals or routine, are set and that usually goes really well. I know what I have to do to get out the door. Night time rituals are not as set in stone. I don’t always wash my face (I know that is horrible), so when I do I am super proud of myself. I have tried setting times, etc., but the night time seems more difficult for me to get into the swing.
Sexually, to be honest, it has been so long I don’t have any. If I think there is a possibility for sex, I’ll shave and that’s about it. I do my make up the same way, I wear what I think looks good at the moment and that is about it. Right before, I would make sure I went to the bathroom. Having to pee can ruin a moment for me.
Rituals of the past
I always wanted rituals in my last relationship. Actually, I enjoy having rituals and routines. I like knowing what to do and what is expected of me. It makes it easier. Part of being submissive is pleasing so knowing what is expected makes it easier. I would rarely change things up and do things differently. Looking back now I wonder if that was wise.
Daddy never had a lot of requests. We had rituals but they didn’t seem like rituals by definition. Sometimes when I went to him it was clear we would be having sex. Most times I didn’t know, but I was always prepared either way. We had preset things that I did for him. He chose my nail color, how I shaved, and he had some say in what I wore. So, I was always prepared in that way.
How the night went
If we were getting together in the evening after work the night always started the same. I would arrive and we would settle on the couch and either watch the news or he would play video games and I would watch him. We would then go to the kitchen and prepare dinner. Most of the time we did this together. After we prepared dinner and ate we would continue watching TV, usually the news. Sometimes an episode of something he had saved on the DVR. If we were to have sex, we headed to the bedroom around 9:00 or 9:30.
Our play time became fairly predictable. He had a ritual on how he liked things to go. We started with me sucking his cock, then he would pull me to him and if we weren’t going to play we would then fuck. The attempt was usually to come together and we became fairly skilled at making that happen. I know that sounds boring and predictable, but I didn’t mind. We weren’t together a lot so I relished in any kind of contact we had. He changed things up enough that made it not as boring as it sounds.
When we were going to play, he was always in control and made all the decisions. It wasn’t always the same, but he knew what I liked and it was typically impact play, fucking, and the best aftercare I could ever imagine.
I like routines
Knowing what is expected is something that I thrive on. Tell me what you want and I will usually make it happen. Within reason. I would get extremely excited when I was given a task. Told to dress a specific way, undress a specific way, wear underwear, don’t wear underwear, I thrived on it. I miss it. Right after the breakup, I was like Bambi in the woods trying to figure out what to do. So, I set my own rituals.
I kept my morning routine because it worked for me and he had little to do with that. During the day I set a time to go to the gym, a time to eat lunch, and a time to write (eventually). When I got home, the first two hours (If I needed that much time) were set for prepping my lunch for the next day. I would get the coffee ready, pack my breakfast and lunch and set out my vitamins. After that was done, and only after that was done I would clean and straighten the house. Then, I would sit down to either write more or watch TV.
Having the ritual and routine made my new normal come faster in some way. I was recovering from a huge loss. Not only my best friend and lover, but my Dom was gone. I had little direction and needed to find it in other ways. It was hard and I wasn’t perfect every day. There were days of just going home and laying in bed to lick my wounds. I was proud of myself for the most part though.
The problem with rituals.
As I said, I like rituals. I thrive on them. That isn’t a bad thing. My daughter thinks I have become a bit OCD about things, particularly the cleaning part. Maybe I have. I have in some ways replaced my old rituals with new ones. The rituals that I had with Daddy were precious to me. I thrived on them. I didn’t realize until they were gone how much I enjoyed them, how much I needed them. Needing to replace them was a survival maneuver.
The part about my rituals with him was that they were unique to him and I. I am sure I had rituals with other lovers but they were vanilla and I don’t even really remember them. I loved being with him and making him happy. When he was gone, I realized all the things I did, I did with him in mind. It wasn’t just the things he asked me to do, it was how I lived my life. Every decision I made was based on whether he would like it or even approve of it. When those rituals were gone, I realized the dependency on them.
The next thing I realized is that when these rituals were gone with him I have an adverse reaction to anyone else trying to suggest I follow a ritual. It is complicated. I am upset if a glimmer of a ritual with him would surface from someone else. Whether I liked it or not, it reminded me of him and that set off an alarm. It is my baggage that I am bringing to any possible relationships, vanilla or otherwise. I don’t want to forget Daddy, but I don’t want to be reminded of him either.
Owning my own
Then, there is this. I have been alone for the first time in a long while. This is the longest I’ve been alone without someone that I was committed to. I am starting to enjoy that I can make my own decisions, create my own rituals and live with my decisions. Mostly, these decisions have been based on me and what makes me happy. This isn’t to take away from my submissive self. I am and always will be submissive. Finding myself before I submit again to anyone else rituals is important to me. That is the focus for now.
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