When Does It Matter to Mention the Unmentionable?
When I saw this prompt I wanted to write something sexy and wonderful, but the term unmentionable brought a different thought process for me. Sexy didn’t come to mind, so I am writing about what did. I haven’t been writing a lot for multiple reasons. Mostly because the sexy smutty stuff just wasn’t coming for me. It’s been a whirlwind of problems and things coming up that has distracted me and caused me to just not feel like writing. I am trying to not be too upset about it and just realize that sometimes this happens.
Unmentionables could mean a lot of things. Mostly for me, it brought up feelings of the things I don’t tell people. Even the people that are closest to me. Losing my Dad last year was a big hit and left me a little more responsible for my Mom. She is very independent but can no longer drive. We have weekly trips to the grocery store and the occasional trip to the mall (which I hate) and the occasional doctors appointment.
There are times in my life where I didn’t spend as much time with my Mom as I should have. We were about an hour away from each other. I was living on a farm and always busy with animals or work outside the farm. They were just excuses and I just didn’t make the time. My wife at the time didn’t have a good relationship with her mom so she didn’t understand the time I use to spend with my Mom. I let the distance happen.
The Awful and the Wonderful
The awful was losing my (step) Dad and watching my Mom try and find her new normal without him. I saw the things he hid well from us out of respect for her. How her eyesight was failing worse than she let on. She never complained and he was amazing at making it seem she didn’t need the help he gave her. My Mom is a powerhouse and always had been. She walks about 14,000 steps a day, does yoga and works out at the gym three times I week. So seeing her need things and in reality, aging was hard for me. I try to make my support seamless and I am getting better at it but I will never be as calm and covert as he was.
The wonderful is that I am spending more time with my Mom. We don’t just run errands. I help with her garden and with the computer. We talk about so many things, even politics, which I normally avoid with everyone. Actually, we laugh and have a great time with each other. We have made jokes and even tease each a little bit. She is an amazing woman, and while I don’t always feel up to the task, I have enjoyed getting to know her better. Both single and morning our loses and that gives us yet another common bond.
What I Want to Say
I have the mouth of a sailor. I could actually make a sailor blush. I have always managed to mind my tongue around my Mom out of respect. She always said she understood that people swore, but she always felt there were better, more elegant words to use than the typical swear words. She is right of course, but I like to swear and I am at least respectful of her wishes. I don’t drink around her and alter a lot of my vices when we are together. It isn’t hard, and I honestly don’t mind.
My unmentionable distress comes from not being able to tell her about the real me. The me I am becoming. She knows I write, but things it is completely fiction and certainly not the stuff I write about. I drop little things here and there both intentional and unintentional that the subject matter may be a little more than just love stories, but nowhere near what it is. Again, this is out of respect. She wouldn’t understand the depth of what and how I write. This was proven when the topic of polyamorous relationships came up.
The entire time I was dealing with my break up I was telling her what had happened with the friendship he and I had. She had no idea the extent of our intimate relationship and if she knows anything about BDSM or even kinks I would be surprised. I did, however, mention that he was struggling because he was in love with two people. Keeping it simple, there were several conversations that this came up. She didn’t get it. I didn’t think she would. What she said was really telling to me. She responded, “love is between two people.” The topic instantly became unmentionable.
We Have Been Here Before
My Mom has always offered me, unconditional love. I have made decisions I knew she didn’t agree with but she never made me feel like she was disappointed in me. When she asked me if there something going on between me and my friend (who later became my wife) I was honest. I knew she didn’t agree with it. She said in her world, love was between a man and a woman. She accepted it because she loved me and grew to love my wife, but I knew it was something she wouldn’t agree with easily.
We had lengthy conversations about all of it and eventually we didn’t need to talk about it anymore. The polyamorous perspective was something I could tell by her expression and response was something she couldn’t take in. So, telling her the true reasons I was heartbroken over my break up was not an option. Based on what I have told her I am sure she suspects something. She said she hoped I never got into anything that complicated. That was “mom-speak” for please don’t get into anything that wrong.
So Discussing My Unmentionable Things is Out
Mother/daughter relationships are unique to everyone. My daughter and I talk about everything under the sun relating to sex. We honestly have no unmentionable things. I remember my daughter sent me a group of pictures from when she went to the zoo with friends. At the end of the group was a picture of her pleasuring her boyfriend. I was a little shocked by that. I sent it back to her and asked if she meant to send it to me. She sends a text back with “LOL! OMG Mom! No, I didn’t.” I think I made a comment that that was a little more of her boyfriend that I needed to see. She responded that she thought we were close enough to handle that stuff. We are. Actually, we still are. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
So, is it necessary that my Mom knows everything? Of course, it isn’t. It would be nice to be able to speak more freely though. It is hard when she gives advice based on half the knowledge or when she says things that are hurtful but she doesn’t realize they are, or why they are. We do however have enough stuff to talk about where that it isn’t necessary. My unmentionable life choices can stay unmentioned.
So What About my Sister
This one is harder. I have several friends whose sister are their best friends. While I am very close with my sister, this isn’t the case with us. We are four years apart. She is the oldest. When she was in high school she was more like I am now. Her life has taken several changes over the years. She is married to a pastor, doesn’t drink, swear, wear makeup, etc. We are extremely different. We love and respect each other’s choices, but the difference stops me from sharing everything I wish I could.
It isn’t just my kinks, it is the types of men or women that I am interested in. Her first comment to my Mom when she learned I was divorcing my wife was, “Mom, I hope she realizes she needs to be with men.” Wow! Again, I understand where she is coming from, and I respect that, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
I was reading some other posts on the unmentionable topic and one struck me pretty hard. It was a discussion about how one sister is going through a lot and she doesn’t feel like she can her life as freely. That has been my entire life. There was always something going on that made me hold back on my trials and things I wanted to share. And now, the worst part is, the one true love of my life leaves me, the one who made me happier than I had ever been is gone, and I can’t share that. That sucks.
The Three of Us
The three of us have been through a lot. We are close and are always there to support each other. Even though I live 15 minutes from Mom, and my sister lives three thousand miles away, I feel like the odd man out. I hate feeling this way. I want to be myself and let them love me for who I am. While I do that fairly well, I still know that every day and every conversation I am holding back. Every conversation I am watching my words and wording. I avoid topics and quite honestly, keep things on a surface level.
They both know that I have been through a lot and am still going through a lot, but they have no idea to the extent or the deeper reasons that I am sad. I hold these things in, keeping them to myself. When topics come up like religion or monogamy, etc., I stay quiet and don’t offer my opinion.
In the same way that my relationship with my Mom doesn’t have to be the same as the relationship my daughter has with me, I suppose my relationship with my sister can be different than other sister relationships. I wish it was different. Yes, I have friends I am close with and can share my true self with but it isn’t the same as being that close with your sister.
Do My Unmentionable things Matter?
Hiding unmentionable things in my life is tough. I made a conscious effort to be my truer self when I started finding myself on this journey. As much as it bothers me, I also realize that maybe my Mom and my sister don’t need to know everything about me. Perhaps it is ok if they know and love the parts I share with them and I keep the parts I know they wouldn’t agree with or understand to myself.
I will always want to share it all and be my true self around them. Saying fuck, drinking a beer or a mixed drink at dinner, and letting them know I like really good sex would be nice. As for my Mom, I believe it is a generational thing and I can’t blame her for that. My sister, it is a religious and cultural thing and while she used to be more like me, is it horrible that she isn’t aware of the things I enjoy and do? No, it isn’t horrible. It is sad to me, but it isn’t horrible.
I will keep things the way they are out of respect and honestly because I am not sure them knowing any of the stuff I haven’t shared would improve the relationship or get more of the closeness that I crave. Neither my Mom or my sister would get it – and maybe it would pull us farther apart. So, for now, I will love and appreciate the relationships I have with them.
I do worry that they will find out things from stumbling across my blog or seeing something on social media. If that happens I suppose I will handle it then. My unmentionable things, kinks, preferences, etc. will remain unmentionable until then.