Connecting emotions one breath at a time.
I have always been big on letters. Perhaps it is the writer in me, I always find it easier to express myself in writing letters, poems, songs, and now I guess even blogs and books. I have many things to say to my Ex, but as I think about them and write them, I wonder what is most important to express at this point. He won’t see any of them, and even if it does make me feel better, is that why I write them? Or am I holding on to something that I never really had? Maybe I’ll never know.
After Eroticon I had many reasons to be emotional. The experience itself was the best I could have imagined. Even better than I imagined. During the conference, I was focused on my purpose there and inspired by all the people and their electricity, their ideas and support. However, there was rarely a moment that my Ex didn’t cross my mind. Walking the new city and experiencing a new place, to talking to vendors and others opening about our kinks, all of it would have been wonderful to share with him. Even had he not been with me, to communicate this experience to him would have made it that much better.
I hope someday he knows.
He was the reason I started writing. Placing me on this journey with encouragement and support until he left me. Not being able to share this with him was just as sad as the Eroticon and London were exhilarating. When we would talk about our kinks, he often mentioned “being a deviant”. This always bothered me. Always being the one in the crowd that never judged anyone that operating inside the law and with concent, but explored what made them happy, I hated that as he said it there was a touch of sadness, or maybe self-judgment that came with that statement. I would always ask about his choice of the word deviant and he brushed it aside. Or, gave me the legal definition of “deviant” and stated that he fit that definition.
I suppose I couldn’t argue with that but it still bothered me and does even more so after attending Eroticon. As I went through my weekend and met everyone and listened to their stories and the comments that came from them, the discussions we had about kinds (even though it was a writing conference), nothing felt deviant to me. It felt normal and it felt like there were a bunch of people that felt the same, and enjoyed some of the same things I did. Knowing that there are a lot of people out there that share your kinks and your intimate pleasure preferences seem to distract from the feeling of being deviant. Feeling more normal than I had ever felt talking sheepishly about sex with my vanilla friends, fumbling through boring sex with someone and not wanting to hurt their feelings, was liberating.
I understand being modest about our pleasures, but I also feel we shouldn’t be shamed by them. Most of all I wish that he could experience something similar that would make him feel less deviant about his intimate pleasures. Certainly, I am not suggesting anyone should shout their kinks from the rooftops if they aren’t comfortable with it. We all have reasons to keep our privacy, and most of us have people in our lives that may not understand these choices. For him, I hope that someday he is able to not get that sad look on his face or tone to his voice when he discusses his kinks. His dark side brought out the light in me. I will be forever grateful for that, regardless of where our relationship ended or how it ended.
A letter of thanks from the light you brought out in me.
I have started this letter of thanks a thousand times. I’m not sure you will even read this, and if you don’t, I guess that is ok. I believe I am writing it more for me than you.
A few weeks ago, I went to London. I went alone. It was the scariest but also the most thrilling thing I think I have ever done. The purpose of the trip was to attend Eroticon. A conference of sex blog writers and many other categories in the sex-positive industry. It was amazing.
I met so many wonderful writers that I have been communicating online since I started my blog. I met and hung out with Kayla Lords and John Brownstone. They are just as fun in person as they are on their podcast.
This conference would never have happened for me had you not pushed me to write more. After your text that you didn’t want anything to do with me, I almost took it down. Something made me keep it up and keep writing. Maybe for you, maybe in spite of you, I’m not sure I’ll ever know for sure which is truer.
I could give you credit for a lot of good things. I could also blame you for a lot of bad things. That isn’t what this letter is about. This letter is a thank you for pushing me to write. In the beginning, I wrote of us. Our relationships, our D/s relationship, and our kinks. I stopped writing about them when you left me because it hurt too badly. I then started writing about me. My feelings, my confusion. I wasn’t sure I could be creative without using the times we were together as a starting off base. My experience at Eroticon showed that I can.
I will soon be able to call myself a published author. While I did the work, you encouraged me to take the leap. Thank you for that. For encouraging me, and for making me see the true person, sub, lover I could be I thank you. Sharing your heart with me, your soul with me and your dark side brought out the light in me. Those parts of you brought out the best parts of me. I’m sorry they weren’t enough for you. Being your sub was, most of the time, the happiest moments in my entire adult life and that is no exaggeration.
I hope that my not being in your life has given you some clarity or headspace that you needed to focus elsewhere and make your life everything you want it to be and have wanted, talked about, shared with me and dreamed of. My hope is also that you manage at some point to think of me and the memories we shared, and smile.
I wish you love, and I wish you happiness, in the sincerest way possible. You will always have that place in my heart that no other will infiltrate. I remember the bad and the pain, the lies and the deceit, but what surfaces most are those moments that we laughed together, cried together, cuddled together, talked openly about everything with each other, grew our D/s relationship in all the best ways. Those are the times that come to mind, not without hurt, but always with the knowledge that we were good together when you let us be together.
Our love affair was epic.
Forever your Toy
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