I truly never felt sexy. Ever. It wasn’t until I started to get to know my “Ex” that I started to feel sexy. He had a way of complimenting me when our friendship started that made me feel good about myself. I was 17 years older than him and he didn’t seem to notice. My age didn’t matter, nor did my signs of aging matter. He was being honest about his perspective of me.
I grew to like his perspective of me better than my perspective of me. Interesting and strange to me that I wasn’t even trying with this guy. The thought never crossed my mind. He was 17 years younger, gorgeous, had all kinds you women his age following him around like he was always carrying a puppy with him! We became friends and that was all I thought it would be. The more he told me how he felt about me, the more I had to take a better look and try and see what he saw. This man handled my insecurities differently than anyone else I had ever been with, caring little that I had curves. He didn’t care that I had curves. Essentially, he made me feel sexy for the very first time in my life.
I realize that only feeling sexy because of how someone else sees you is just temporary and not a good idea.
The problem with that was that when he left me, so did the sexy feeling. Our D/s relationship may have been responsible for some of that but he made me feel like no other, so I attached that feeling to him. After he left, I didn’t feel I was attractive or sexy.
I could get dressed to go out with friends and look in the mirror and find everything wrong with how I looked until he started helping me with my wardrobe. I felt sexy in the outfits he picked out for me. Not just the corsets and such, but he would pair jeans with a shirt that I would never have picked for myself and tell me I looked sexy – therefore I felt sexy. When he left, I was still wearing the same outfits he chose for me but I didn’t feel sexy in them in anymore. This told me that I needed to work on finding my sexy on my own with no one else. I needed to figure it out.
It is really super hard to find your sexy self with a broken heart!
Actually, it is fucking impossible. Right after the breakup, I had no feeling at all. Not to mention feel sexy about me. It was months before I actually let myself start to think about it. The breakup happened in August. I limped through the holidays (first since my Dad had passed away) and found myself starting a new year. Going through the motions I got done what I needed to, there was very little focus on me. I was miserable. My mask was on tight, but I was feeling it slip. I knew I had to do something to force myself to focus on me and get on with my own life.
Then came February Photofest 2019
I remember seeing posts on this from 2018 and thought how incredibly brave these people were. That may sound strange but I did consider it brave. Would I ever be comfortable showing my body in the beautiful ways these folks were? On them, it was sexy and beautiful. On me, it was disturbing. Then the invite post when out to get people to sign up for February Photofest 2019. I watched as they little linky page just grew and grew. I wasn’t sure I could commit to 28 photos. Which in my mind would be 28 selfies of my eyes and boobs, the two parts of my body I don’t mind so much.
I could say the decision came with a couple of glasses of whiskey one night while I was drowning his memory, but honestly, it had nothing to do with him. Maybe it had a little to do with whiskey to be fair. I told myself if I figured out how to do the linky thing, I would commit. Surprisingly I did, and that was that! I was committed.
I’d love to say after one photo I felt sexy and free.
Nope! I worried it was too much. Cropping and editing and filtered to make the photos look as best as possible. But, after about 15 days I started feeling a little better. Seeing myself a little differently each day. It wasn’t the fancy corsets or the heels and hose, my bare ass, or those boobs I love so much. Not that one picture that was taken through tears. None of the actual pictures make me feel sexy. The thing that made me sexy, was that I signed up for the February Photofest, took the pictures and followed through with it. It was my courage to face this challenge that had been bubble wrapped in fear that made me feel sexy.
So, while a good pair of heels and some fishnets make me feel pretty good, and a tight pair of jeans, barefoot and hoodie make me feel comfortably attractive. When my make up is on point and my hair decides to cooperate those are good positive mood days! Some days are better than others. It took a lot for me to realize what makes me feel sexy. I still struggle with it daily. On those bad days, it is then when I know what makes me my sexiest self.
My courage makes me feel sexy!