“So what are you into?” (Part 2)

Find part one here – So What Are You In To – Part 1

It is such a casual question.  What are you in to?  I’m from the country so we don’t worry so much about grammar when we are chatting.  That question could apply to anything from food to hobbies, but I instantly knew what he was asking.  It was a question from left field because we had flirted but rarely talked about actual sexual preferences but I knew what he meant.

The questions that came to my mind were not for him, they were for me.  They shot through my brain in seconds and I was stunned at how many I had.  I had never thought about talking about sex with anyone other than Sir.   My relationships before him were so vanilla and discussing wants and desires just didn’t happen.  As I said before, with Sir it was easy.  We were almost crass with our conversations.  I would say that my stomach was upset, (in a polite chic way), and he would respond, “Do you have to poop?”  That is how we were.  So when it came to talking about sex we weren’t shy.  Positions, noises, toys, kinky, vanilla, anything was fair game and we never hesitated to put stuff out there.  How do I communicate with anyone else about these things?

  • Will my desires scare him?  This was a big one.  He said he was freaky, but what did that mean?  I wanted to be honest about what I liked.  I am done wasting time and I would rather find out early if things are a good match.  It wouldn’t have meant that anything he was or wasn’t into was a deal breaker.  That would make for conversation and getting down to details about what we both would and wouldn’t accept.
  • Do I tell him everything all at once, or slowly give him bits and pieces?  This could possibly be a good thing either way.  If I just vomited all my desires at him it would give him the opportunity to make his own decisions.  If I gave it to him in bits and pieces, he could still make his decisions and there would be some pretty cool and interesting moments of surprise for later.
  • Will he think I am crazy?  When a guy says he is “freaky” I can go to several ends of the spectrum, and plenty of conclusions.  Maybe crazy is the wrong word.  I hate the word deviant in relation to kinky sex and BDSM.  I know that is the mainstream term but I hate it.  When Sir would lament about being deviant it always made me mad.  Even before my research and experience.  I get it but I don’t like it.  If this new guy thinks it is deviant, is that a bad thing for him or exciting for him?  Do I risk telling him how kinky I am, or how kinky I was with Sir?
  • If I tell everything and it goes south, do I lose a pretty good friend that I have enjoyed talking to?  Actually, this was a big one for me.  I really like this guy and we have good chemistry.  Even if we don’t in the bedroom if it ever gets that far, I would still like to be his friend.
  • If I tell him “what I am in to”, it would be what I was into with Sir?  I am not sure still if it will be the same, feel the same if I will want it with someone else.  Will I be sad that it isn’t Sir if it is someone else?  For as long as Sir and I were together and after, I never wanted anyone else to be my Dom or act in that role.  To be honest, I never thought kinky sex without the D/s because my introduction was them together.  I loved all aspects of it. I still wonder if it was him, or if he opened a part of me that I just know existed.  Maybe it is both.  Thinking about this for a while, I know that I need to separate the two.  I can have kinky sex without a Dom, to some extent.  and maybe that will be ok.  I also think that whatever “freaky” means could be something new that Sir did not expose me to.  That is a good thing because that means I will be capable of having new experiences with this guy (or anyone else) that I can know and enjoy.

Overthinking and over analyzing is my super power!

After a few weeks of exhaustive overthinking and analyzing I decided that just being honest about it all would make the most sense.  When I look back at my other relationships I was never honest about what I liked and wanted.  As unhealthy and toxic as my relationship was with Sir, it was the most honest relationship I ever had.  So moving forward with honesty seems the best and only way to go.

Many of the articles I read said to keep the past in the past.  I struggled with this.  If this is a relationship that takes off, I want him to realize that I have scars.  Some of the wounds are still open.  They may have stopped bleeding, but they are still oozing.  So, as I said in So What Are You In To? (Part 1) nothing about relationships is cookie cutter.  I didn’t cry on his shoulder about it but instead, told him the basics and that I’m still hurting.  If things go further with him, maybe I will explain more deeply, but that will depend on the timing and the situation.

Currently, this guy and me, we are friends.  We hang out when we can and we are getting to know each other.  No pressure and no time frame.  We both still have stuff we need to deal with and settle.  That is fine with me.   I shared enough with him that I feel comfortable.  The rest will come with time and trust.  Hopefully.

What the hell does “freaky” mean?

For those curious minds out there, I still don’t know what his “freaky” is.  He said he didn’t have any experience with D/s or Dominance but it sounded interesting to him.  He hasn’t given much more information on his end.  But, he didn’t run!  🙂





5 thoughts on ““So what are you into?” (Part 2)

  1. I think you navigated that minefield very well. It is easy to overthink things and in particular I’m finding, fall into the “happily ever after” timeline and behaviour that vanilla life holds as ideal. You may get a friend, a companion, a playpartner, another Dom… who knows, and it may be for a little while, a fair while or for the rest of…. While sex is not on the table for me at the moment, I now have a companion, a hug partner, a creative partner. We are honest with each other about our differing sexual needs, and he is happy for me to get them met elsewhere if I desire. We don’t talk about the past much, other than to acknowledge that we both have scars. The biggest thing I am learning about this relationship is the patience and allowing things to unfold. Sounds like that is what you are doing too. Are either or both of you on Fetlife? Perhaps this might be a way to address particulars indirectly or at least find common kink ground?
    All the best, I await (patiently) for part 3. Indie xx

    1. Thank you so much Indie. I appreciate the support. I don’t know where we are. He isn’t a tech guy but I am on fetlife. He has said that what I want is important and he will do his best to meet my needs. It is a strange feeling to be in the edge of something that you know nothing about – but feels healthier than anything you have ever experienced. Fingers crossed. And I hope there is a part three. I’m trying to slow my role and not get too excited about his potential. Falling for one’s potential is a repetitive mistake for me. I am working hard to make sure that doesn’t happen again for me. It is hard, but for now it is fine.

  2. I think sometimes there is a pressure – internal, external, or both – people feel to Say All The Things in following some nebulous definition of sexual authenticness, while at the same time being hyperaware of the impracticality and too-soon open-to-rejection unnaturalness of doing so.

    Healthy, ‘normal’ relationships do not start immediately with a “What are you into?” response of “I dig boats – small personally propelled craft only, kayaks specifically – and I prefer only to paddle in Mad River crafts when icy rain is hitting my cheeks and the wind is so cold it’s burning my hands. If you’re into that – and ONLY THAT, I mean c’mon: NO CANOES ALLOWED, and definitely not when the sun is out – then we can be best friends!”

    It’s ridiculous. Yet that’s often the must-describe-this-thing expectation that stilts conversations about sex and kink.

    Personally, I’ve always just approached people as people and found mutual compatibilities by finding out Who They Are. Because what I’m interested in doing has *everything* to do with who I’m doing it with.

    Is he respectful of his elders? Is he invested in his family? Does he listen? Does he have a positive attitude? Does he own his mistakes? Does his belief system (and his demonstration thereof) hold with my ideas of Good Personhood? If so, and we can discuss things like science and sociology and pet ownership and food and art and history and baseball, then we can segue into sexual health and hangups and desires and deviance-from-norms as part of a greater conversation and maintain a friendship regardless whether one of us is “into” ALL THE THINGS.

    If that makes sense.

    Honestly, someone asking me “What are you into?” early in the game is likely to net a response from me of “Not you.” And if someone asks it later on, we’re going to talk about deal-breakers. Because a check-the-correct-boxes question like that is a deal-breaker for me.

    “What should WE get into, together?” is a much much better question. And so much more fun to explore possible answers to! 🙂

    1. I LOVE this! And I agree. I think I am hyper sensitive to the question also because of what I am into. Thinking about it that shouldn’t matter either. Being in the void I am currently in I don’t think I know the answer to the question either. My balance beam that I walk over being honest about my preferences (for the first time ever) and taking time to figure out if they are worthy of knowing is a then board and I’m afraid of falling off either side and not being happy with the result. I also agree that the more “natural” things like boating and sports and family, etc are more important and should be discussed before the mention is anything intimate. Thank you so much for your comments! ❤️

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