Today is your birthday. For all the years I knew you, you hated this day. You couldn’t understand why people made such a big deal over their birthdays. We both know it always made you think of the one that got away. She always reaches out on your birthday, and while it was nice to hear from her, it also made you sad. No one knows better than me (other than her) how much you loved and love her and how much you missed her. Through everything you have been through these past few years, everything you went through with your primary, and I suppose even me, you finally get to spend your birthday with her. I am happy for you. Truly, even with everything else I am feeling about you, I know that no matter what else you have going on – this is one birthday you will truly celebrate.
We always shared these three days, your birthday, the 13th, Valentine’s day, the 14th, and my birthday, the 15th talking about how silly Valentines Day is but how cool people born in February are. Even that one year you confused my birthday with that other woman you were dating, I still loved that our birthdays were so close together. The only reason I ever hated my birthday was it was the day after Valentine’s day. But hanging with you on any of these days, (or any day) always made it better.
This year, I hate all three days. I hope you enjoy your day, but your day this year just reminds me that we are not speaking. Valentines Day? Who will I bitch about what a silly day it is? My birthday? I always just looked forward to you telling me happy birthday. You never gave me gifts or made a big deal over it. Sometimes it was only in a text that you would mention it. It still made my day tho.
So, on this day, your birthday, I wish you all the best. I hope that everything from the past that made you miserable on this day dissolves. I hope that this day is full of laughter and love. I hope this day makes you smile in multiple ways. I hope that going forward, you can look back on the years that were painful on this day and realize you missed her and felt the way you did so that on this day in this year, you can feel the opposite of those feelings and love the day, love yourself. I know she will do everything she can to make this day special and happy. I will not reach out to you today. If we communicate due to work, I will be professional, and perhaps even professionally wish you a happy birthday. Please know that in my heart, I want to tell you all the things I use to tell you on this day. Please know that while I survive, I miss you every second of every day – even more so on this day.
Happy Birthday, Daddy. All my love to you on this your special day.