Of all the things I struggle to let go of, my guilt for my bad decisions in my life is one of them. The people my decisions hurt or confused, the consequences my decisions brought to me and others, all boils down to me dealing with my guilt.
Last night I had a tough conversation with the girls. The details I don’t think matter. It was a conversation brought about by my frustrations over their responses (or lack of responses) to specific requests. I was tired of having the same conversation over and over, again and again. It came to a head yesterday and I called a family meeting.
I don’t get mad often. My first emotion is usually hurt. I was hurt they hadn’t listened and I felt disrespected. I took the time I needed to calm down and then told them we needed a conversation. I hate this kind of stuff. Any kind of confrontation, even due to my own hurt, is extremely uncomfortable to me. I am trying to get better at standing up for myself and that’s hard on any level. These girls have been a lifesaver to me in many ways so I didn’t want to hurt them. But I felt I needed to say something.
Once I got out what was wrong, and set the circumstance for them not listening, my daughter, talking directly to her girlfriend brought up something from our past that clearly had a negative impact on her. She started crying (which she rarely does) and so did her girlfriend. It was fucking awful. On multiple levels, it was fucking horrible to see this pain in her well up after so many years, from a place in her life that I didn’t realize what was happening. Guilt.
She wasn’t trying to make me feel guilty. She was just being honest and speaking from her heart. This brought up some really terrible feelings for me. I spent the night tossing and turning and trying to justify and rectify all my decisions as a Mom. Guilt is a tough one for me. I can go back to every relationship and find myself feeling guilty for how I handled things. I suppose we all could do the same, but lately, it has been a recurring theme for me. Watching my baby bring something up that seemed small at the time, but clearly wasn’t small to her. As parents, we always try to do our best, or I’d like to think so. Last night was tough.
Maybe last night happened because I needed to see that with all the guilt I feel about my life, I need to focus on the part that I feel the worst about. Maybe I should let go of the other guilts I have and focus on recovering from the worst guilt of all. The guilt I feel over how my decisions as a parent.
I don’t think there is a parent out there that doesn’t have a decision or two they would like to do over. I also realize that I can’t change the past. She feels the way she feels. I can only proceed forward into the future as the best Mom I can be right now. I can learn from my decisions. It is easy to blame ourselves for situations when we look back with the knowledge of how each situation turned out.
The one thing I know for sure is how much I love these two beautiful women that are living with me. They are smart, have huge hearts, and truly are trying their best in the situation they are dealing with. They are also making decisions based on what they know and are feeling at the time. They will also look back someday and realize they could have done better, just like the rest of us. They have helped me get through a terribly difficult time in my life that had they not been here, I would have been alone in a house I built with the thought that Sir would be there with me. They are quick to offer a hug, an ear, a drink, pizza, or a coke. They don’t judge me. They support me. They give me encouragement. My heart is fuller and I am a better person having them in my life and close. In all those thoughts and feelings, there is no guilt at all. I just fucking love them. While I know that love isn’t always enough, it is a really good start for the three of us.