February Photofest 2019 – Day 4

Photofest fail!

Sunday night feels!  I really don’t mind my day job.  Lately, it has been slow and has given me more time to write and organize and plan.  Last night, I was tired, a little down, and just not feeling the work week starting tomorrow.  Maybe it is the warmer weather.  I want some time on the beach and angry that I have to work.  Perhaps, the weekend was good for once, full of laughter and family and fun, and I don’t want it to end.  Maybe (and probably more to the point) I ate like crap all weekend and I’m feeling gross and guilty.

I looked at all the pictures from the wonderful photos my daughter took and just couldn’t bring myself to post any of them feeling the way I do.  There is one that is extremely troubling and as I looked at it, edited it, trying to hide the parts I loathe, I found myself spiraling.  So I posted the photo yesterday from the past.  One where I felt my best self was represented.  Looking at the other pictures, I just couldn’t find the good in any of them.

This, of course, is why I felt the way I did last night and why I feel the way I do today.  This also led to a spiral of eating habits from a disorder I have always struggled to maintain.  The dog had me up three times last night to go outside and pee and each time I headed to the refrigerator for the icing in the small container that has been there for a week.  Each day I would take a small spoonful to sway my cravings for junk and sugar.  Last night, each time I let the dog out to pee, I had more icing until it was gone.

Somethings from childhood never go away.

My food disorder has always been with me, coming and going unannounced either way.   I first thought I had a problem when my extended family rallied around my cousin who was struggling with Anorexia.  I was young but as the disease was explained to me it sounded familiar and I questioned my own issues for the first time.  Later I would joke that I was average at everything but a failure at Bulimia.  I

could binge like a champ but usually failed at the purging part of the deal.   My weight has been something that I have struggled with for my entire life.  It was always a focus.   I have good moments where I accept who I am and what I look like, and bad moments when I feel like the ugliest, largest person on the planet.

When my daughter was born it was imperative that I not pass these feelings down to her.  The first time she mentioned to me that she was uncomfortable with her weight, I told her the words I told myself so many times.  ‘There will always be someone bigger, and there will always be someone smaller, just be you!’  She managed to listen and make it happen.  I am still struggling with it.

So while all those pictures, sit in my media library I felt it would be safer if I posted something that more revealed how I was feeling on the inside as opposed to how I felt about how I look on the outside.   When I look at this picture, I see my pain, guilt, and exhaustion.  I see a very tired me, wishing I could sleep and clear my mind, and throw up the icing and start over.  Maybe even someone contemplating a lock on the refrigerator, or a diaper for the dog so the temptation will have no resource.

 

 

Click the kiss to view other wonderful photos!

February Photofest

 

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