When I began this journey it was at the encouragement of my Dom at the time. I knew what to write. I would write of our stories and our experiences. Anyone who has followed me knows that ended badly and sadly. The loss of him has been devastating, but also liberating in some strange way. I miss it. I miss him. I miss being in a D/s relationship. These are all things that people tend to go through when a relationship ends. In this way, there is nothing different between D/s and a vanilla relationship. It is one of the many similarities that many people do not understand. I wasn’t and do not believe I could ever be a sub that just had a D/s relationship without the other components. Sometimes I wish I could. I believe I never will be able to have one without the other.
Many of my writings and stories have been based on my experiences with him. I really didn’t have a choice as he was the only Dom I have ever had, and if I were to continue writing in the D/s realm, I only have those experiences to pull from. Writing at his encouragement was something I was doing for him. He had faith in me and that gave me the courage I needed to move forward. I really wanted to please him. Telling our stories where before they were kept secret, in more ways than one, I felt liberated to be so open. I loved it. Even though everything was still undercover and I was still covert with the who and where and when I knew. If he was reading it, he knew. I’ll never know if he saw the stories and thoughts. There was a small part of that that didn’t matter to me. I do wish he could read my thoughts and all the unsaid things I wanted him to know. Moreover, I wish he could see the success. I wish he could see that I have followers. I wish he could see the encouraging and supportive comments. I wish he knew that I went on, even after he left me, I remained strong and kept going. Not for him, but for me. Liberating. Sad, but also liberating.
Writing about him and my experiences with him have become difficult. I wrote about the good before the breakup. That was fun and liberating and exciting. I wrote about the breakup. That was sad and healing and cathartic. I start this year not knowing what to write. I have many more stories and experiences with him that I could tell. Now though, it feels strange. Sometimes it brings back so many horrible and sad memories that it puts me in a spiral that I am afraid I won’t recover from. A combination of not trusting my memories and wondering if my memories are in fact true. Had I imagined the loving relationship I felt I was in? Had he used me and tricked me as I had seen him do to others? Had I been a fool or too arrogant to believe that I was immune to his trickery and deceit?
I don’t know what to write now. I sit down to write thoughts in my head and they all lead back to him. Write fiction? That is challenging for me. My imagination was always passed through him. We talked and explored and worked my fantasies and imagination out with each other. Writer’s block? Maybe, but it feels more than that and I don’t know how to process through it. At times, writing about him is a trigger that spirals me. I want to be happy about the good times, but I also need to protect my heart. Something I should have done when I was with him. At times, the memories make me angry with myself. I should have known better. I saw what he was capable of doing to others and that I thought that I was immune from it makes me feel angry and stupid, not necessarily in that order. I know that we all go through these kinds of things and I also know that this is not the end of the world. I will date again, love again, etc. Will I trust a new D/s relationship again? I don’t know about that. I have faith that I can, have read stories of those that recover to trust again. I’m terrified that it is only with him I get the feeling I do from D/s relationships. I fear it is solely linked to him. I sincerely hope this is not the case.
So, writing is tough. I will keep writing. I have to keep writing. Not for him. I am sure he cares very little what I write now, as long as I continue to protect him. I will continue to write for me. It may not be good. It may not make sense. It may just be a venting of thoughts, but I will write. With everything else he took from me, I will not allow him to take that from me.