When?

As the holidays approach it brings back all the feelings of loss.   The loss of my Dad in March and the loss of my relationship in August.

Two very different relationships but the pain is shared and intertwined as this hateful year heads toward a close.

Every day I miss my Dad and as the holidays come near I struggle for ways to support my Mom through this year of firsts after losing him.  There is no way to distract her from the loneliness and pain.  It just isn’t possible.  Made worse by my own sadness and feeling the loss of him.

On top of that loss and sadness there is guilt.  Guilt that I am still struggling to accept the loss of Sir/Daddy and that pain often takes priority over the feelings of missing my Dad.

I miss everything about him.  Even as I entertain other men I fear I will always compare them to him, which quite plainly isn’t fair.  Some speak of submission and Dominance and while I miss that part of myself I struggle to give it to anyone else.  It was his.  I was his.

I don’t need a man or woman to make myself whole.  Learning that has been a long hard road.  Being alone isn’t terrifying like it use to be. Not for the dependency.  I worry about money and such but I don’t need anyone else to survive.

I want it though, his touch.  Perhaps that is a need as well but I feel silly calling it that.  I miss his touch, his voice, his smile, his laugh, those eyes that go dark when his sadist thoughts come to him and bore into my eyes straight to my soul.

I wonder what his holidays are like.  Will he miss me?  Does he miss me?

He made leaving me look easy.  Not just the friendship but dropping me as his sub without so much as a thought.  That was the hardest part.

I will survive and put my efforts toward helping my family get through these holidays. I will hide my pain and sadness and suppress the pain.

I don’t have any other choice but to do so.

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