I didn’t bring the laptop this weekend and hate publishing from my phone but some thoughts can’t wait.
I wanted a tech-free weekend with no responsibilities. The beach has always been my healing reflective place. My therapy. Younger me always thought I had to be on the beach tanning to get that. My older self has learned that things have changed.
I have had a rough four years and many parts of those struggles continue. Some will always be in the front of the line and some will move from back to front from time to time.
I will feel my range of emotions and I will, as I always have, handle them as best as I can.
My success is based on how I handle each struggle as they approach. Hopefully, this can be one at a time but if I have to multi-solve, then I will do just that.
It will hurt. I will miss my lost loves, lost family. Failed attempts will disappoint but I will not quit.
Life is an amazing gift. I will not waste another second of it. I will face the fear and fight hard through whatever is happening.
I have good friends, not online and in person. I have a great kid who has a great girlfriend that frustrate the fuck out of me but that also bring me joy and pride and laughter. I have my Mom who suffered a horrible loss of her husband my second Dad who shows me every day what fight and resilience look like. I have an online community that has embraced and welcomed me and has brought me through a horrible place in my life.
My life has been hard. None of the things I have been through have killed me. They may have crippled me, but I recovered and survived. And I will continue to do just that.
For the first time in a long time, I do not have a significant other in my life. This is hard. It makes me feel sad and alone. I do not need this in my life. It’s nice to have someone. That one someone. But I am learning that I do not need it. I want it. I enjoy it. But it is not a need. Learning to like and love and spend time with “me” is important.
It is time to develop a new life plan. Let the planning begin.