I had another post planned for today. I have a list of things that I want to write about but the writing didn’t come easy this weekend. I had planned to write all day yesterday but Saturday brought some emotional baggage that pretty much crippled me. I was in bed for most of yesterday. It was something I knew would pass and resolved itself pretty quickly. I decided I would give myself some time to process the emotions that I was feeling. No writing, just me and my thoughts.
I have always thought it was important to take time for ourselves. I am not good at this and I am working hard at getting better and taking the time I need. I am a chameleon of sorts. I’ll usually go with the flow I am in. I am also, in more ways than one, a submissive. We all know or have some connotation of the sexual side of this, but I am also submissive in my vanilla life. Everyone else that I love and care for (and some I don’t care for) I usually put first and try very hard to make them happy. I will put my needs aside and try my best to make the world happy (or at least my world) so keeping my emotions inside has always been my go to.
This weekend my daughter and I had to revisit some really tough memories and experiences. We got through it together with good conversation and understanding, but not without reopening wounds that perhaps were not quite healed. We have always had a connection and she knew I was struggling. I will write another blog to outline what happened but for now, the point of this blog is to simply honor her.
She lived in Florida for a few years and recently moved back home to live with me. She worked most of the weekend but came home Saturday and realized I was struggling. We talked about what I was going through and worked it out, through tears and conversation. Even in the struggle, I was able to see the beautiful woman she had become. Calm, sensible, loving, caring, heartbroken that she may have hurt me. It was hard but beautiful at the same time. I know a lot of parents struggle with their post-high school children. My girl has been through a lot and it hasn’t always been easy. Seeing her all teary and struggling is always hard, partly because she rarely cries in front of people. Mainly, because this time I could tell she was struggling because she thought she hurt me. It is a wonderful thing to be able to have these kinds of conversations with her. The open, honest, heart-wrenching kind. No texting, facetime, or phone calls. Face to face, ugly cry with no tissues, honest words. It was hard as hell.
The next day it was cleared up but those kinds of things tend to linger. She left for work and gave me a kiss on my forehead as I still lay in bed. She texted during the day to make sure I was feeling alright. A simple conversation, no longer hanging on the issue but letting me know she was still thinking about me. She came home, complimented the dinner I made, when in fact, I burned it. Kissed me good night.
Today at work, I opened my lunch bag and found a note. A very simple handwritten note from her that said she loved me to the moon and back with her signature, a heart.
I love this young woman. She is my heart. For everything we have been through we are stronger than I could ever imagine.
When we are struggling it is the little things that can sometimes make us feel better. Sometimes, the little things aren’t so little.