As soon as I think I have an original thought or question, my BDSM community comes to show me I am not alone. Others are struggling and dealing with some of the same issues. I am not blazing any trails. I am grateful for that! Loving BDSM podcast with Kayla Lords and John Brownstone never cease to help me make sense of my stuff, hitting the nail on the head with good conversation and strong information. Also thanks to @ThePrincessRara for asking for a discussion on the subject. How does it feel to be single and submissive?
Recovery after a breakup is a touchy and very individual thing. Do you go into self-improvement mode or self-destruction mode? In any kind of relationship, the end is tough. It doesn’t matter if there is still a friend or working relationship or it is more final with no contact at all. My past relationships have always had lingering connections. The break up with my D/s relationship is no different. I enjoy doing things for people. All people, not just my Dom. It is my nature. I will always be the first to offer help. Being submissive came so easy for me. The sexual aspects were also a very natural process for me. I miss it every day. Being a single submissive can kind of suck. Actually, it more than sucks. It is a consistent unfulfilled need that just never fades. The memories of the rituals I had with my Dom were ever present. Every day after he left me was a constant reminder of the things I had done for him, or by his request. My nail color, my hair color, the clothes I wear, the way I drive to work. It was sad when I would go to do something or had a question and I couldn’t reach out to him. I had to figure something out because I was going crazy. Everything BDSM was hurtful. The happiness other subs were expressing. Writing was painful. I always wrote about him and our experiences. Without him, I felt like all my words were gone. I was jealous of everyone that was having good sex, vanilla or kinky. I remember the one day, standing in my bedroom staring in the mirror and not knowing what I should do or who that person was looking back at me. I still felt compelled to ask him everything. Knowing that I couldn’t reach out was devastating. I was frozen. I needed a plan without him.
I started my own rituals and routines. The problem was, there were somethings I didn’t want to change. I liked his suggestions. He always seemed to know me better than I knew myself.
- I would always ask him what color he wanted my nails. He had favorites that we repeated. So when I went to get them done and couldn’t ask, I picked a shade he liked but put a spin on it that was my own.
- I wore the clothes he had picked for me but changed the shoes or added jewelry that I had but never wore with him.
- I used a different perfume that I had had for a while that he didn’t care for. Gone was the jasmine scent that he required and preferred.
I kept some things the same because it had become part of my life for so long, it was more me than him. I decided I could thank him for those things and not change them. Loving BDSM talked about “being your own sub”. I gave that a try. I set rules that I would follow for myself.
- I set a writing schedule – writing was still really painful. But I set the schedule and even if I just opened the laptop and stared at it, at least I was following the schedule.
- I set a gym schedule – sometimes this was just changing into my gym clothes and walking to the gym at work and sitting in the locker room. I was pathetic and I knew it. But, I had set the schedule and was determined to stick with it, even if I didn’t work out.
- I set a social media schedule – Most of the social media was making me sad. I realized I was reading through these posts and I was just so cynical about everything I read. I limited myself to 15 minutes a day unless I was working on my writing. This was a good move. Being present in my life was not a fun place to be but being present in everyone else’s wasn’t a good thing either.
I researched BDSM and the different kinds of kinky things that were out there. He and I had started a conversation about what I like and was interested in. We never finished the conversation. I never thought about being single and submissive. I didn’t think that was possible.
- I decided to research the things in the book he showed me on my own – what I liked, what I didn’t. What interested me, what worried me.
- I searched for more podcast that I could listen to and learn from – Getting other perspectives was important. My BDSM was under his umbrella so it was nice to see other perspectives.
- I researched the Dominant side of things to get a better understanding of that side of the relationship – This was so valuable and something all subs should do. I found some answers and also found more questions as to why things went the way they did. Keeping in mind everything is individual in BDSM but it was helpful.
Finding support! I never had anyone to talk to about my life and my situation. Most people assumed I was single and just hanging out with friends. No one would ever expect that I was dealing with more than being single, but single and submissive. Most people had no idea what I was going through. So finding support for a break up that no one knew about or even understood the intricacies or was difficult. I had no one to talk to. Silent suffering is usually my way, but this was different. Whenever I was hurting I would always go to him first. He was gone so where do I go now?
- The BDSM community! Twitter, a place a rarely spent time became my go to. I may or may not have broken my 15-minute rule on some occasions. I had more support there than I knew. I felt like a stalker at times. I felt like I was whining most of the time. But the support there, direct or indirect, was invaluable.
- Journaling. This was a weird thing for me. I had never really journaled because I was always afraid someone would read what I wrote. I decided I didn’t care. I wrote online and on paper. I left the journals laying around the house and didn’t care if anyone would see them. Always before I had hidden my thoughts. Now I realized for the first time in my life, I was single, I was alone, it didn’t matter. They were my thoughts to do with what I wanted.
These are the things I did. The processes I adapted. They may not work for everyone, but they had an impact in a positive way for me. I still struggle. I still miss him, every day. I still have moments of complete and utter dismay that he is gone and no longer in my life, but also an office away, three blocks away, a text away. I remind myself to breathe. I remind myself to be good to myself. I remind myself to take things one day at a time. Being single is just fine. Finding ways to fill my needs as a single and submissive, is an ongoing journey.