Sometimes it is a statement that you hear randomly throughout the day. Sometimes, it is an original thought. Today, it was a song lyric. Driving to a wedding that I was very happy about but still sad and maybe even a little bitter at my own situation, I had the radio low. Through the traffic noise, the chatter of others in the car, and my own thoughts come one lyric from a song on the radio.
“I am in love with your potential”
Time stops and I am suddenly aware of only the song on the radio. I zero in on the screen that displays the title of the song and the artist. Danielle Bradbery, “I am in Love with your Potential”. I researched later and do not know if she wrote it. I want to give credit where it is due, but she was the recording artist.
“But honestly now, I’m beginning to understand
That I’m not in love with you, I’m in love with your potential”.
It is interesting to me that songs always seem to bring understanding whether I am looking for it or not. This lyric hit home in many ways. The loss of my friend, lover and Dom was devastating on all those levels each of which had multiple layers and meanings. Many times after a break up of any kind, we tend to rationalize everything in one way or the other. Sometimes, we take the blame. Sometimes we place the blame elsewhere. This could possibly be a coping strategy, or we are just trying to make sense of something that happened.
The reason my friend, lover, Dom dropped me, (Literally in a text with no opportunity to discuss) was, in fact, my fault. I made a mistake. I owned it but that wasn’t enough for him. The time I spent trying to figure out how he could just walk away was useless. I would never know the real reason. We all talk about “closure”. I knew I wanted some kind of closure, but in reality, I knew I wanted him back. The closure was in fact, he didn’t want to have anything to do with me.
We all cope in our own ways. I went through the usual grief cycle. My own version of it anyway. I went through all the things I didn’t like about our situation and relationship. I went through all the ways I would be better off without him. I went through all the ways that I could now move on with my life. I tried to avoid the things that I missed. His memory was/is everywhere in my home, my work, my life. I powered through to some form of recovery. For two months I struggled daily to forget the bad and remember the good. There was always this question in my mind of what I could have done better, differently. What were the things I did wrong? How could I have been a better friend, lover, sub?
With one lyric on the radio in the middle of chatter and noise and my own thoughts about how my life could be different, there was a light bulb moment. I was and still am in love with his potential. I saw it every day for seven years. I told him about it. I shared my thoughts and at times I tried to help him reach what he wanted to be. Potential. That is what I was in love with. As always, varying levels of what that might be. Yes, I was in love with the man he was and is. I was also capable of seeing so much more for him. Knowing the differences, or maybe just the beginning thoughts that there is a difference has given me much more to think about.
Perhaps I had my own version in my mind of what “we” should look like. As friends, lovers, and our D/s relationship. Perhaps we didn’t have the same vision of what that should or could be, even though we did talk about it. There wasn’t much talk about the details, just the big picture. We just couldn’t get there while he was trying to work out other issues in his life.
Going forward I challenge myself to think about the difference of being attracted to the person, or who we want that person to be. How much time will we give to figuring it out? What will the conversations look like? When does it make sense to talk about the conversations? Is there a danger in expecting someone to meet their potential? Is it actually their potential or what you believe their potential is or should look like? Do they want to reach a higher potential? Are you trying to hard to make them better and change them? Are we so concerned about their potential we are ignoring our own?
With this breakup, I have felt that my BDSM experiences were over. I am still trying to figure that out. I do not want it to be. I feel it is a huge part of me. Time will tell. Trust, finding someone new, letting go of what I had with him, and giving that part of myself to someone else is scary. How much of what I enjoyed was just because it was him. Time will tell.