Much like I constantly redecorate the rooms in my house and clean like crazy when I have a lot of stuff going on and running through my mind, I decided to clean up the blog… which resulted in changing everything.
I’ve thought a lot about the name on this blog. I created it with Sir in mind. To write about he and I in a safe space because I had no one else to talk to. He knew about it but I don’t know if he ever checked in to see what was happening. He never mentioned it if he did which has always been disappointing.
He gave me the name Toy. ToyforSir is in a few places, tumblr, our personal number, etc. I love the name Toy. We talked about it together and picked it together. Maybe the only reason I like it is because it came from him. I don’t know. But I like it. I thought about changing the name of the blog because it is a constant reminder of him. I still haven’t decided if I will do that yet. I played with it tonight and just had Toy (which is what he called me) as the header. The word, the name, seemed lonely. Lonely like I am. A strong name, a surviving name but still lonely. Like me. So I added Toy for Sir back and left it there. I will leave it there for now. It is an important part of my journey and I’m not ready to step off the path it put me on and leave it behind. Not yet.
I like the new look. I painted the picture that is now my profile picture. It hangs over my bed and also is a constant reminder of him. But it is also a constant reminder of who I am. Who I became with his help and guidance, and yes, his permission. I am slowly realizing that while he was a part of the changes in me, I did the work. I’m proud of the work I’ve done. I took his suggestions and request seriously and made every effort to be the best me, the best Toy I could be. I made mistakes but they were never intention means of hurting him, or anyone else.
So ToyforSir will be around for a little longer. The painting is still over my bed, but also on this blog so I can share it and be openly proud of it. Certainly not because it is an amazing work of art. Solely because I painted it from the heart, for him and for me.
I am a lot of things and I have a lot of changes in my future… but I think I might always be Toy.