I have always admired those people (men and women of any orientation) that can feel sexy on demand. I use to think it was easy for some, most actually, but time has taught me that this isn’t so.
In all fairness to myself it has been a hellish month. This weekend marks a month since my Sir decided he no longer wanted me as a sub, or anything else, including a friend. It has stunted pretty much any creativity I have and has me feeling worthless. Common sense tells me I am certainly not worthless but common sense doesn’t help when your heart is in pieces.
Many did not know about my intimate relationship with Sir, therefore, do not know about what I am truly going through. So I go about my day pretending I am happy and fine. I wear the mask, I force the smile, I play the role.
This weekend I forced myself to leave the house, I am a grown woman and moping around like a dumped teenager seemed silly. I forced myself to go on a 4 mile hike with a group of strangers. I forced myself to walk into a group dance lesson alone. Both commitments I made before my world came down around me. I forced myself to shower, shave, dress, do my make up, do my hair, force the smile and present. I went to the one year old birthday party of my friend’s son. I met another friend for lunch to meet her new boy friend. I forced myself to do all these things.
I can’t force myself to feel sexy. I wanted to dress a certain way. “You never know who you might meet,” were the last words my mom said as we hung up the phone and she told me she was proud I was getting out. I didn’t feel sexy. I felt sad, ugly and dismissed. I felt like my age was more visible than ever before. I felt like I have more weight on me then I had in a long time, even though I haven’t been eating and the scales say I have lost weight. The text messages from men I have talked to in the past are annoying. They are flirty and sexy, sometimes just crude and I hate them. I want to feel flattered. (I know the ones that just want sex, and the ones that actually may want to know me). I type sexy stuff back and then erase it, two, three, four times. I can’t force sexy.
I roll through the thoughts in my head. I’m older. I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. I won’t have anyone to take care of me. No one else will want me. It is hard to feel sexy when you feel old, wrinkled and fat. It is hard to feel desirable when you are sure you aren’t.
I know there are lessons in all of this and I see the edges of these lessons. I just can’t quite see the content of these lessons clearly. Right now it just feels like everything is forced.
Everything is forced, except feeling sexy. I only ever really felt sexy with Sir. I never had to force it. I always believed I was sexy when I was with him. Can other people make you feel sexy? Who are those people who no matter who they are with or where they are, they feel amazing and sexy in their own skin? Who are the ones that never doubt who they are or their own worth because they never counted on other people to define it for them?
I want to be the strong, confident, sexual, funny, happy woman, and sometimes baby girl, that he led me to believe I was. Not that I could be, but that I actually was. I miss her. I miss Toy. I want her back. I don’t know where she is most of the time, and then I remember she is with him. I wonder, does he miss her as much as I do? Does he check the website? I mentioned one time that I had a blog. Is he reading it? Does he care at all? Why do break ups always give such self-doubt? Why can’t I be like those people who just accept that something weren’t meant to be and move on like it is just the next chapter of a book they are reading?
Bottom line is I want Toy back. Hopefully I can get her back soon. Hopefully soon, I will not have to try to unsuccessfully force sexy, I will actually feel sexy again.