In life we always have gains and losses. It is how things go. The gains and losses are both good and bad, happy and sad, anxiety heavy and stress free. We take these gains and losses one at a time. Some we handle better than others.
After my first dad died, I sent flowers to my mom and sister every year on the anniversary of his death. His birthday was in the same month, but for some reason, I felt that sending flowers on the anniversary of his death made sense. It was how I dealt with it. It seemed to help me that my mom and sister would be receiving something nice on a day that held nothing but sadness for us. I never thought about how it may be impacting them or that maybe they didn’t want the reminders. Perhaps they would have preferred those flowers on a day that meant nothing. A gesture from me on a regular day, just because I wanted to make them smile. It was my sister who approached me on a random day and asked me why I still sent the flowers. I told her because I wanted them to know I was thinking of them. “We know you are. We don’t need the reminder. It is depressing to look at the flowers and know the reason they are there.” Point taken. From that day forward I took that lesson and applied it to all the bad memories of bad days, deaths and losses, and dealt with them on my own. Most of the time alone.
We all deal with things differently. There are limitless processes that people handle loss and sadness. And that is ok. WE don’t all have to handle things the same way. Even in the same family, we survive independently together. Some families pull together and get stronger and handle things with a team like process. Some families grow apart and handle things isolated, individually, quiet and not sharing their feelings. The success of either or these and many more processes is hit or miss.
The bottom line is that there is no right or wrong way. Sometimes when things don’t work, people can decide to change their processes when things don’t turn out their way or they can accept that their processes are what they are. Some see the problems and the obstacles in their way, some do not.