Does it surprise you that you might not maintain the same level of D/s during the stressful times?
No, this doesn’t surprise me at all. It is where I am in my situation right now. I don’t think this is unique to a D/s relationship. Many times, when things are stressful all parts of any relationship have the potential to be impacted. Through financial stress, family stress (death/illness), work stress and home/work balance, it is all hard to maintain the “normal” of any kind of relationship. I think this is when the relationship is tested the most, and also strengthened the most. It is hard, but it is when both people in the relationship step up. It doesn’t matter which one is struggling, both people need to either increase support or back up on what they need to keep the balance.
Do you think you know how you’ll handle your relationship when it does?
I think I do. It isn’t easy. I have always been pretty good at reading people and knowing what the need. Do I do more things to support? Do I offer help in a physical or material way? Do I offer advice or just listen? Do I back away and give space for the other person to work it out on their own and give them time to regroup? It is something I have always done. The complication comes in when there is no communication, or the distance is long and quiet. That is where patience comes in and I must remember it isn’t about me, but about what the other person is going through. People process differently so I must remember that what may work for me doesn’t work for other people. The longer I have to give space the harder it is because I am a helper and a doer. If I see where I can help, I want to do that – whether it is doing the dishes and cleaning up around the house, or just listening. Being away from the person who is struggling is hard for me. So, I have to find ways to keep myself busy and mentally healthy while they are doing the same.
What ideas can you consider that might help you when this happens?
I try and keep busy when the distance is needed with my own things. Doing things that (in a D/s relationship) would make Sir happy. Go to the gym, eat healthily, do fun things with friends, etc. I also try and be available when he does need me. This isn’t always easy. I want to be there and help. I want to do even the smallest of things that would make things easier. If I can’t solve the larger issues, I’d like to be a part of solving the smaller ones. Or, do things so that he doesn’t have to worry about the smaller things. I have several things I do when I’m able.
I do get angry and frustrated that I can’t be available, and then I do get a little resistant or irritated about the things I do that aren’t noticed or recognized. I just keep reminding myself that I’m doing it to make things better and hopefully at some point, things will get better for both of us.
Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM