Long distance relationships, trips without your partner, simply not living together – it all adds up to one thing: being D/s even when you’re not together. The solution you find for your relationship will be specific to you and to your circumstances, but if you’re already living through a long-distance relationship or you think you might one day, it’s good to think about how to make it work when you’re apart.
Well, this is a tough one for me. I had to think about this all day before putting my thoughts on paper. I’ll do my best to keep this a simple read, but there is nothing simple about it, at least from my perspective currently.
My Sir and I have always seemed to be long distance. A minute away from him feels like he’s been gone for years. A mile away feels like he is in another country. The reality is I live 10 minutes from him and we work in the same building. And yet, I hardly ever see him. I hardly ever hear from him. So, for me, it feels like a long distance.
He is in a relationship with his primary. The three of us use to spend time together. Intimate, BDSM time. We were all friends (I was his friend first and have been there through two of their breakups but only got close with her two years ago). She becomes uncomfortable with the situation and instead of communicating as we all agreed, she just shut down and stopped talking altogether, he did as well as it related to all of us hanging out. Prior to that I was in a relationship with someone and have separated from that relationship and I am now single.
Sir broke up with his primary to get back together with the love of his life. (Long story, whole different post) so he decided he needed to focus there and asked that we just be friends. I agreed. His happiness is most important. Eight months later that relationship isn’t working, and they break up. He reunites with his primary. She, at the time, agreed he could have a third, agreed it could be me. She and I mended fences. It seemed like a beautiful arrangement. She wanted them to work on their relationship before we resumed. Months have gone by and she still isn’t ready. He is trying to be patient as am I., To be honest, we have spent time together without her knowledge. (Not proud of that but it isn’t as shitty as it sounds – again too long to detail here).
He is my Sir, my Dom, my Daddy. We have come a long way together and neither of us truly want to part ways from D/s relationship. But it is rare that we are together. Rare we play. Rare we even have time as friends together. They are once again struggling, and he has asked for time to figure out what he is going to do. So, I wait. I am patient. It is hard.
I believe it was something on Loving BDSM’s podcast where the long-distance relationship was discussed when I first realized that even though geographically we are close, our situation makes it LDR for sure.
Having given the background (and purged some frustration, if only just a little) I now think about what I would like it to be. I don’t like how things are now. I miss him. I miss the BDSM. I miss fucking. I miss spending time with him. I miss his laugh, smile, and touch. When I do see him, he looks sad and tired. Not because of missing me but because he is so stressed trying to figure out the path to his future.
I will break it down this way;
- I’d like texts and phone calls every other day or so to check in and see how he is doing.
- I’d like lunch or dinner at least bi-weekly for some laughter and catching up.
- I’d like him to talk to me about what is going on so as his friend I could be there for him as I have been for the past six years.
- I’d like some kind of schedule for intimate time. Once a week, once a month even.
- I’d like cuddle time and pillow talk
- I’d like one overnight a month.
- I’d like some form of BDSM (outside of rough sex) at least once a month. (seriously, I want it more often, but I’m trying to be realistic
- I’d like tasks to do for him while we are apart.
- I’d like him to use my name on our private number and give me instruction on things he wants me to do (separate from tasks – masturbation, training, etc.
- I’d like him to touch base and check in with me with some form of regularity
- I’d like him to watch me through the website of my security cameras, so I know he is checking on me, watching and caring.
Quite the list I know. To me when I read it, it seems like I’m very needy and asking too much. He was honest and said his primary is so challenging and is stressing him out so badly that she has pulled him out of his Dom space. He doesn’t have a switch that he can turn it on and off and when she has him so stressed and frustrated he just doesn’t have the energy or brain power to Dom me. So, he doesn’t and hasn’t entertained any aspect of BDSM with me for a long time. I get it. I saw a podcast of John Brownstone and he talked about the fact that sometimes Dom’s aren’t feeling it. My Dom has told me several times that it takes a lot of energy and time to be a good Dom. He feels he isn’t being good to me. He tells me to find someone else, even though it will bother him, he doesn’t want to hold me back. This is devastating. He asked me to be patient. So, I am. He wants two separate relationships. She is resistant. I am not sure how things will end up. If he leaves her he could possibly go back to the love of his life – and she is not interested in sharing or BDSM. So, I am not sure where that leaves me.
I don’t enjoy the distance. I am not sure if I had the choice I would ever entertain it again. It is hard to miss everything. The friendship, the BDSM, the fucking, the companionship, the cuddling. Not to mention trusting anyone else with this kind of relationship is beyond my comprehension. I am in an LDR, but knowing he is close and we just don’t see each other is difficult.
I do see the benefits of LDR. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and makes you miss and want each other even more. You don’t grow weary of each other. Time together is more precious. (This I know because every second with him I value and cherish like it will be my last because I am never sure it won’t be). Traveling to see each other, making plans for rendezvous, all that sounds sexy and fun.
But for now, for me, it is a form of torture. I think with certain guidelines, I would be more comfortable with it but right now it just feels lonely and painful.
Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM