Some rules determine behavior in public, others are about private behavior. Some rules may be more common but there’s no right or wrong here.
Do you know what kind of rules you may want or need in your relationship?
I think about this a lot. My D/s relationship is technically long distance so time is far and few between. We were friends first so we have a very casual and friendly relationship. Sometimes when I go over to the house I wonder which relationship we are working with. I never know if he feels like being my Dom at the time and we haven’t established any rules around it. I never know if I should be on my knees waiting on him, or helping myself to a beer from the fridge. It is really hard. Because we don’t practice the D/s relationship often, I want it all the time. To be honest I don’t know if it is something I want full-time. I believe I do, with the structure and rules in place, I believe I would be happy in that situation. Maybe someday. He and I have talked about it and I know it is something he wants. All in good time I guess. I always want to wait on him, make him relax, do things around the house that make him happy. I also like doing things with him. We enjoy cooking together, yard work together, working on the cars together. I don’t know how it would work out. I would like rules and tasks. I’ve asked for a task to do even though we aren’t full time or even have a lot of time together. It makes me feel good to do things that make him happy. So rules would be a good thing.
In public –
I am not sure about this. Right now the way our relationship is it would be difficult to determine what would work and what wouldn’t. After reading the resources offered, I understand this can look like anything. Daddy is a traditionalist so I would imagine in public we would have those roles. I think this is a good conversation to have so we can hash it out. I know he doesn’t like when we are out and I go off by myself (bathroom or shopping etc.) He likes me to stay with him to keep me safe. I know that there are things that would probably be implemented. He likes to choose my nail color. He likes to pick out clothes for me to buy and wear. He likes to see me be a certain way and he is always checking on me to make sure I am ok. As frustrated as I get that we can’t be who we really are in public, he finds these little subtle ways to let me know he is watching and paying attention.
I find it easy to give things over to him. After two really controlling relationships, I find this strange. I always go back to – there is a difference between controlling and being in control. He tells me not to drink coke, and I stop. He tells me to stop vaping and I do. He tells me to drink so much when I’m sad and I limit myself. I feel guilty when I do things I know he doesn’t like.
He can’t focus on me as much as I would like, and while sometimes I doubt it, as much as he would like. Given the chance, I’d be happy to have rules that would ultimately, in the end, make him happy. I never really see it as giving over parts of my life to him. While that is what it is, I trust that he will steer me in the right direction. I trust him to make decisions that are the best for me. As friends, I have trusted him with some pretty major stuff. In a D/s relationship I would trust him, even more, to guide me the right way.
Private behavior –
Rules would be fine. Even better than fine. I prefer to know what I am doing, why, and what the outcome will be. I want to know if I should kneel without being told. If I should make him a drink without him asking. If I should be waiting or doing or not doing something. I am still learning about everything that this entails, and in a lot of ways, redefining myself. Trying to find myself at this age, restart a life I never expected, get over regrets, forgive myself. I am tired. Thinking is hard. Making decisions is hard. In private, I believe that he could help with all of this and bring me to where I want to be. Rules on how to act and what to do, what not to do, with the explanation of why he believes as he does, would only make me a better sub. Perhaps even make him a better Dom. I think allowing the rules and discussing the reasons for them would help us both understand each other and what our expectations are. I want to know what is expected. I want to be sure that what I do makes him happy, pleases him.
I would love rules, I hope that we can work it out. I feel, from what I know from the time we have known each other and spent together, that he hasn’t had the Dom experience he has always wanted. I hope to be able to give him some of that if only part-time.
Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM