How did you introduce D/s into your vanilla relationship? What worked and what didn’t?
Ugh! Let’s start with what didn’t. My first long-term relationship was with my now ex-husband. We never talked about sex, we never communicated what was good and what wasn’t. We never really joked around or teased each other and there was actually no pillow talk. It was not just vanilla, it was more structured to the purpose of having kids than having fun and enjoying each other. It was not either of our faults, just how we were raised. Parents that explained the mechanics and medical parts of sex but forgot to mention it was ok to have fun during the process. We were vanilla and downright religiously so. It never occurred to me to tell him what I wanted or ask what he wanted. You just didn’t do those things. I didn’t enjoy sex at all and it was almost a part-time job for me to avoid it.
My second long-term relationship was with a woman. She was sexy and fun and outgoing everywhere and all the time, except in the bedroom. It was vanilla and not boring because being with a woman was new to me so that was exciting. And obviously, there were new things for me. But I did get a little courage up to ask her if she would be interested in using toys. During the one year time between my ex-husband and meeting her, I dated (very briefly) a man who did talk about sex and was very open about things. He helped me become more comfortable with the actual conversation about sex which then makes sex much more enjoyable.
So on a weekend away to the beach, I packed the few toys I had. She and I started messing around and I ask her if we could talk about doing some things a little different. I explained it wasn’t that she wasn’t exciting but it could be fun to add some toys to make things a little more exciting. Well, that was probably a moment killer to go down in history. Looking back it should have been a conversation separate from the time we were actually messing around but I was awkward and new to the whole open conversation thing.
She was appalled I would suggest such a thing and said it made her feel like she wasn’t good enough without added assistance. I felt horrible that she felt that way and we never talked about it again. I through everything I had away (which wasn’t much) and that was that. From that day on, she was convinced she wasn’t enough and that I would eventually go back to men because she didn’t have a penis. It got worse from there.
So that experience made me very gun-shy about talking to anyone about what I want and like. Vanilla or otherwise. I just didn’t talk about it. When I had sex with others I just accepted whatever happened, within reason, and thought it must just be me.
When I started exploring what I really liked it was the same time I met Sir. He would talk openly about his preferences, guarded at first with the D/s part of his preference. He made comments like, “no TV in the bedroom. Why? If you’re bored, there is always sex!” It gave me a comfort level when he would openly talk about what he liked. We were just friends so it was a natural thing and wasn’t threatening to me because we weren’t in a relationship. One specific conversation we had I talked about passion and how I hadn’t had passionate sex, ever. It always seemed structured and planned and there was no heavy breathing or “wall sex”. He looked at me like I was crazy. I explained more and he seemed genuinely sad for me. We had the best conversations about sex for just being friends. When we moved onto talking about his more private intimate pleasures I found myself very excited about the prospect of being with him in those ways. It gave me the confidence to let him know I was curious. That is what lead to us having a D/s relationship (though the story is much more complicated than that) and also my ability to ask questions and ask for what I want.
When I consider being with other Doms I feel Daddy has given me a good foundation on which to start these conversations and not feel like a kid asking for candy at the store. But stating what my preferences are and what my expectations are with confidence. Also, knowing what I will and will not accept.
Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM