What does consent mean to you?
Consent is something that allows you to feel comfortable in any situation. Consent is also fluid. Even with the best laid out plans, you can get to a point where your original consent is no longer comfortable or feels safe.
I was always worried about consenting to something and then having a change of mind in the middle. I don’t want to disappoint anyone or stop the feeling. I also wasn’t sure how to stop an activity without stopping the scene or flow of things.
I have an internal affliction to the word “no”. I never say it. I rarely deny anyone when they ask for a favor or some help. I’ve even offered to do shit I really didn’t want to do because I knew the person wanted it, needed it, expected it, was hoping for it, etc. This is me in all aspects of my life. So I knew in my D/S relationship this was going to be a struggle.
What made this easier for me is that the D in my D/s is very good at reading me. He knows the affliction I have to the word “no” and was sure that when we were/are discussing things that require consent that I am being completely honest. Sometimes these conversations happen and I am not even aware he is thinking ahead to something he may want us to do. Sometimes he looks at me and says, “you will hate this so don’t just agree because I’m bringing it up”. We are lucky in that he can read me and he knows me so well. However, there could be times when he thinks I’ll hate it, but I think I want to try it. I never ate broccoli before but I love it now, so who is to say we can’t change and morph and grow. So, this boils down to communication, conversation, bullshit aside, let’s talk about what this is really going to look like, kind of thing!
On a very small level, one example I have of this is my first time with nipple play. I had never felt pleasure from my breast or nipples. I wasn’t overly sensitive and I just never got anything from the attention someone would give to my nipples. I had a breast reduction and I remember the surgeon emphasizing that there was a possibility that I could lose sensitivity. I remember thinking, there isn’t any so I’m not worried. After the reduction, and the healing process was complete, I learned I had gained some sensitivity and was quite happy about that. So when Daddy approached with this adorable cute red close pin, I wasn’t sure how this was going to go. I guess my face said everything (as it normally does) and he assured me it would be at my pace and he would remove it whenever I wanted him to do so. Then he said that when he got them, he put them on the web of his hand to see how it felt. I giggled out loud mostly from the visual image I got from it, but also because I thought it was cute that he cared enough to see what that kind of pinching pressure would feel like. Small-scale but same thought process.
Having things explained and asking questions about it (and expecting answers) doesn’t make you a bad sub. I was talking recently to someone who says he is dominant and on more than one occasion he mentioned “beating the shit out his sub in ways she hadn’t expected”. I remember instantly thinking/wondering if she was ok with that. I know it is a personal hot button when “beating the shit out of….” Is used in BDSM discussions. It immediately makes me think that the Dom using that phrase doesn’t really get it or is disrespectful in some way. It is my opinion and my hot button. I’m sure there are times people use that phrase and it is, in fact, a very respectful situation and the Dom could be simply amazing. But term bothers me. Yep! I’m judging the instant I hear it. I’ll hang around to see if I’m wrong but it is a red flag that flaps in my face diligently until I see or hear something that changes my perspective. His sub was there and she didn’t seem bothered by it, so I can assume she is ok with what happened in the scene. But my gut tells me she wasn’t entirely in full consent from the beginning.
I believe consent is the sexiest thing ever. Your Dom has thought about this specific thing he wants to do or try and experience with you. He tells you about it, talks to you about it, he has researched and is informative about every aspect of it. With all of that knowledge, you consent to this new thing because you trust him. Fucking sexy if you ask me. Whether it is walking around with a plastic close pin on the web of your hand, or researching how others are saying something feels and possible responses could be, there was thought and care put into it. I think Dom’s making that effort are solid. And whether they get consent or not, this is a learning and growing experience that can only help the relationship going forward.
Consent isn’t about saying “no”. It’s about having a conversation that can open your relationship up to new things and new experiences. Any time you are communicating about anything, it is an opportunity for growth.
Thoughts provoked by Loving BDSM