This is interesting for me to think about. I rarely negotiate. I usually go along with the flow and try not to make waves. This comes from my need to make people happy and my fear and disdain of confrontation. When things come up where decisions are to be made I am usually comfortable with voicing my opinion, but rarely force an issue. My Mom is the same way and she is where I get it. She says, (and backs it up with her actions) she picks her battles. If it seriously means something to her she will push the issue or attempt a negotiation, but she picks these times carefully. She thinks things through and then decides if it is worth the energy to push for what she wants. This is me. Thanks, Mom. In some ways, I am glad I am this way. In other ways, I wish I was more skilled at sticking up for myself and letting people know what I want and what is important to me.
However, with My D/s relationship and Daddy, I have found I haven’t had to push for what I want or wanted unless it was for more time. My characteristic of always wanting to make him happy and not add stress usually steered me away from being too demanding. Not even demanding, but I never wanted to add stress to him. So, I let him know when I was feeling needy or missing him, and he usually responded with some time of some sort. We didn’t live together, and I was a part-time submissive, so we didn’t have the normal processes (Or what I perceived as normal) as other relationships.
I asked for tasks I could do on my own, and I also asked for a contract, but neither of these things became formal or written down. Daddy said the contract would happen, but we had to wait until the timing and situation was better. This never really happened or has happened. I am hopeful, somewhere down the line if things work out we can have time for this and will make it happen. We had/have un-official things I would do. I would check with him on what he wanted my nail color to be before getting a manicure and pedicure. I told him when I went to the gym and what kind of workout I did. Those kinds of things. I loved when he told me what he wanted.
Will you have a contract?
I would like a contract. I like guidance and rules and I like knowing what is expected of me. So a contract would keep me on track and also allow me to be sure I was doing what was expected and what makes Sir/Daddy happy. I enjoy talking about what I can do for him and how I would be rewarded. I would like to know when things are due to be done. Inside and out of the bedroom. I have thought about how nice it would be to set out his clothes, make his lunch and have things prepared for him for the next day. Those kinds of things. They are things I have seen over the years that his primary doesn’t do and that I have wished I had the chance to do. There are many things. I would love the opportunity to explore this with him. I don’t know if I would feel the same way with another Dom. I hope I never have to think about that.
Do you need a checklist?
Haha! This made me giggle! My checklists have checklists. When I do something that isn’t on the to-do list, I added then cross it off. I like to see the progress of checking things off. If I had tasks and things to do I would probably put them all in an excel spreadsheet, and have a manual handwritten one. It is an illness!
What exactly does a negotiation sound like?
We have had small conversations that could be negotiations. Me telling him what I would like and then him asking questions for more details or to get a better idea of what I meant, or what I truly wanted. It was never planned, never scheduled, sometimes in text, sometimes on the phone. Sometimes when I was really upset about something we would negotiate how to make me feel better and how to make sure it didn’t happen again. There was one time when he handed me a book and asked me to pick the things I would be interested in trying in the bedroom. It was wonderful. We were always more casual. It is funny, it use to bother me because I wanted so much that never happened and wanted these official D/s conversations to happen frequently. But now, I’m thankful for every single one, whether they were official or in between singing together in the car and going through the drive-through. I just want them to happen again, however they happen, it doesn’t matter as long as they happen again.
Thoughts provoked by LovingBDSM