What do you say when someone says that to you. I stare into his gorgeous face wrecked with seriousness and sadness. I’m scared to speak as the tears sting my eyes and my chest tightens. Ruined me? How could he think that? Because I’m sad about our situation and struggling with the distance? He looks between me and the computer screen as flashes of light and dark scenes fill the brightly lit room like explosions that match my emotions and the queasiness on my stomach. I feel the physical pain of his words. My mouth waters a warning I may vomit. My body screams and my heart breaks. Ruined me?
In seconds my mind starts the familiar reel of our relationship. The smiles and laughter, the loss and tears. The video of us over the years as we morphed from co-workers to lovers to the D/s relationship that finally allows me to feel as if I have arrived home, after years on a journey full of doubt and darkness.
My mind races, capturing all the moments that was my growth and my blossoming into the woman I am now. Gone is the woman who laid awake wondering what was wrong with her. Gone is the woman who feared her life would be nothing but a lonely relationship in an unhealthy marriage. Gone is the woman who felt lost and ugly and unloved and un-needed. Gone is the sad depressed woman of low self-esteem who never believed anyone like him would ever want me. Gone was the woman who undressed in the dark and made love under blankets.
What I am now is confident, strong, determined. I feel sexy. I feel comfortable. I feel powerful. I know what I want. I ask for it. I beg for it without humiliation but because you have shown me I deserve what I want. I submit now, not to a controlling person who only wants there own gratification, but I submit to a Man in control who wants our mutual satisfaction.
I wear clothes I never would have before because you assure me I look good in them. I embrace the curves I use to hide and cover. I smile and laugh with confidence because you have taught me my smile is beautiful and my laugh is contagious. I listen to various types of music and yes, sing those songs with confidence when before I was afraid of my voice. I am a new woman but more myself then I have ever been.
Ruined me? My dear Sir, my sweet Daddy, you have created me. You have taken a broken shell of a woman and put her back together and molded her not in your image but the image you new I could be. Slowly with grace and patience, you taught me how to live again, true to myself.
Ruined me? No Daddy, you saved me.
I love you