Being submissive was a subtle realization. It started with the realization that I didn’t like sex. I swore it must be something wrong with me because anyone I talked to was having great sex. Couldn’t wait to have sex. I was at the point where I could take it or leave it I usually chose to leave it. Looking back now I can justify it as the time and the generation where my sexual awareness should have been exposed to different things and options. I was raised to marry a man and have kids. We didn’t talk about sex at home except for the logistics and how to’s of it. We didn’t talk about gay people, we didn’t acknowledge any other option than the one mentioned above. At the time I was fine with it because I didn’t know better. After being with my husband for a total of 19 years, I still wasn’t enjoying sex. I thought it was me. It had to be me because everyone else was having a grand time. I’d rather watch TV and eat. We separated when my daughter was 5. Welcome depression and self-loathing. That’s a whole other topic. I met a man who was a lot more adventurous than I was. I wouldn’t say he was a Dom, at least not to me, but he definitely introduced me to things I was not aware of and had never thought of. He was the first one to openly talk about sex, threesome, watching me with another woman, and the first to tie me up. Well, hello there orgasm! I knew then that there was something else out there but it so forbidden I just didn’t talk about it. I didn’t have any friends after the divorce so I suffered in silence with porn as a friend. He was also the first one to tell me that women also watch porn and its ok. He turned out to be a jerk, but I do thank him for the introductions.
When I met the man I currently call Sir/Daddy, we were friends and co-workers. Eventually the natural cute flirting turned into something more serious and through a series of texts and conversations he revealed his intimate pleasures. He said he thought he would be too dominant for me. That triggered an interest because I had started reading up on BDSM and the different things out there. I remember replying, “are you a Dom, or a 50 Shades of Grey Dom?” That opened the door for more conversations and led us to where we are. So there is a little background (way more needed to make it all make sense but for this purpose, I’ll stop there).
What does dominance mean to me?
Dominance to me is something I am still learning and discovering. I am definitely submissive. There are times I want him to have a stronger hand and want guidance. I truly want to be told what to do but equally important is that I have his approval and praise on the things I do, with or without him having to ask, or tell me to do. Dominance is a controlling figure, guiding, assisting and helping me to grow and become a better submissive, and in some ways a better person. I have had two very controlling relationships that ended badly, so I believe there is a difference in being IN control, and being controlling. I want discussions to be had when I have questions. Not that I question him, or sometimes, that I do question him, but he is open to the discussions. Dominance is an authority, not necessarily all-knowing but willing to learn and know so that guidance is done with knowledge and confidence.
What traits will a Dom have?
A Dom should be a good communicator. Working on communication is ongoing in any kind of relationship. I use to teach communication skills and honestly, it is the hardest thing to do well. Everyone communicates differently and you have to find that balance and the meeting point.
A Dom should be able to read his submissive. Again, not easy but over time you should be able to see signs that will give you a clue that something is great, or not so great. Noticing a silence, a facial expression, body language, tone of voice, or when you melt in a puddle, knowing if it’s because the show is sad, or you are feeling something deeper. (But leads back to communication and be able to open up to each other to actually learn those signs and know them well). I am not saying you have to be a mind reader, but you have to acknowledge when things are different and why.
A Dom should be attentive. Even when its busy and life is crazy. The worst thing for me is silence and lack of contact. I have gone two weeks without hearing from Daddy and it is hell. My mind goes to all the horrible things that could be possible. I never think, “Oh he is just busy,”. I think that I have done something wrong, I have angered him, I’m no longer important to him, I’m no longer needed, I no longer fulfill his need for a sub. He has others so I also go to he has someone else fulfilling his need, so he doesn’t need me anymore. (That is specific to my needs of my Dom, but the attentiveness I think is a general trait that Dom’s should have).
Patience. Lord knows it isn’t easy having a submissive, particularly a needy one always asking if she is enough. I have guilt from some of the text I sent in my manic panic swearing I know he is done with me. So, patience (from all involved) is necessary.
Understanding. It isn’t easy being submissive. Being a submissive and having the need to be submissive is very difficult. Logically, some submissives can talk themselves through the reasons things aren’t happening or other things are happening that you don’t like or even want to understand. The worst part is wanting to be of service (in or out of the bedroom) and being denied that opportunity. A Dom that understands how the submissive works are essential. Hard to find, but essential in the mental and also physical health of the submissive.
How should a Dom behave?
This is hard for me. I know how I want to be treated and how I want my Dom to behave but that is different for everyone. I believe there should be caring, understanding, kindness, guidance, compassion, patience, love, fun, laughter. My situation is unique (or so I think) in that we are best friends, co-workers, lovers, and D/s. These relationships intertwine so much and so often (and sometimes not often enough) that I don’t know what a full-time Dom is like or should be like. That makes me sad because that’s what I want, but I don’t think that is the cards for me. So from my perspective, as my situation is now, I would say this. I want my Dom to be attentive. Acknowledge that our situation is difficult me and acknowledge that pretty regularly. Be understanding when I am needy and grateful when I express that need. Be flexible to help me express my submissive side even with our complicated situation. Acknowledge that while I accept how things are, I don’t always like it, and I don’t always understand his choices or decisions. To be there for me when possible and acknowledge that when he isn’t able, it is hard for me. Be aware that I am waiting to serve him and take every opportunity that presents itself to allow me to do that, and make an effort to allow me to serve when those opportunities are nowhere in the near future. But even typing that sounds selfish of me. My submissive self struggles to allow me to say what should and shouldn’t be because I know his struggles and as his friend and sub, I just want to make his life easier. So setting demands or expectations seems weird. Not that he doesn’t allow it, that I don’t want to add that pressure. I know how I want my Dom to behave but since that isn’t possible, I can say how I want it to look and hope for the best considering our situation. I haven’t been exposed to other Dom’s except that ones that fall into the “asshole” category. I put myself in situations that were dangerous and I’m lucky it didn’t turn out worse than it did. That wasn’t fun so trusting was tough. That is why starting as friends made sense and made the transition easy for me. I was ready to go full speed into the brick wall of BDSM and he made sure I hit the brakes. Sometimes to my frustration and great disappointment but looking back now I know he was watching out for me. That is how a Dom should behave.
Thoughts provoked by LovingBDSM.com