Spending some time listening (and watching!) @LovingBDSM yesterday at work. (Headphones are a beautiful thing). These two wonderful people never disappoint! They always seem to hit on my feelings and manage to make me feel less crazy. Or, make me feel my crazy is ok.
My situation is unique. Maybe. It can be tough at times. I struggle daily to know and find my place. The D in my D/s is my best friend. We started as co-workers than friends, then best friends then came the benefits, and then came the BDSM and his role as my Dom. I started calling him Sir, and now he is my Daddy. It is an ever-evolving journey complicated by other relationships, different stages in life, and falling in love. The web we have weaved is fraught with complications and twist and turns and I am aware that it tears me up more than him. I’m the worrier. He is the one that tells me not to worry.
I miss everything about him every second we aren’t together. There are a lot of seconds that we aren’t together. I miss all of it. He has other relationships. I do not. He has told me I can, but I have found that I can’t. I’ve tried twice and with two men that didn’t deserve the breakdown and rejection because to me, it felt like I was cheating on Daddy.
I miss spending time with him. I miss being with him, being able to help relieve his stress and being able to serve him. I miss his laugh, his touch, his friendship, his cock. I miss all of it. When I tell him I miss him, I mean I miss all of him. We make love and we fuck. We hang out as friends, and we exist together at work. But we don’t get a lot of alone time. We make the best of what we have.
When we are alone, I am mega-focused on him fucking me. I want it all. I want the crop, the belt, the paddle, the clamps and the collar that I rarely get to wear. I miss fucking and I miss making love to him. I miss him caressing my hair, rubbing my back, fixing me a drink and pulling me into his lap so I can rest and feel his touch.
I often feel bad that I am sad when I leave and we haven’t had sex because I rarely have sex. I only have sex with him. He has sex with me and others, so maybe it isn’t as much of an urgency for him. Having said that, I miss the cuddling. I miss the conversations without him checking his phone and texting his primary. I miss just being with him. Talking about our views and perspectives on various things worldwide and personal. The intimacy is so important because we have always had it. We have always connected in that way. The sex came much later.
Intimacy in my D/s relationship is a type of bonding that I have never felt in any other relationship. While I miss the sex and the scenes so much it hurts, I am beginning to realize that I long for the intimacy a little bit more. The intimacy makes the BDSM more intense. It allows me to trust him more. The BDSM allows me to let go and be myself and enjoy the sexual part of me I repressed for years. They work in tandem with each other.
I go home alone. I live alone. I am alone. So intimacy is non-existent unless it comes from him. Those few moments when it feels like a real relationship, one I long for every second of every day are precious. Those close intimate moments where there are no expectations except openness and honesty. There is a thrill when he puts down the phone and pulls me to him. When the phone rings and he doesn’t answer it. When he turns off the TV and our conversations are surrounded by silence, just us, just our voices. When he touches me, rubs my leg, gently pulls my hair into a ponytail held by his fingers.
Life gets busy in most relationships. We juggle so many things. Work, his other relationships, his need for his alone time and my need for time with him. Family emergencies and just being damn tired from the day. His struggle is finding time for me and my struggle is waiting for time with him.
I can have an orgasm anytime I want. They come mechanically and easily. A favorite toy, a decent porn video and I’m good to go. I can even, when feeling creative, use my own crop on myself to get that feeling that I crave. There is no substitution for intimacy. There is no vibrator or dildo that will cuddle on the couch and give you that feeling that someone just enjoys holding you.
Intimacy. It matters.