Forgive me Daddy

We are nearing the end of yet another chapter.  This one is hard.  They are all hard.  But we got further this time than we ever have before.  There is good and bad to everything.  Sometimes they are hard to separate.  I know this isn’t the end of us, but the one thing constant about us is change.  So, for these thoughts on paper, forgive me, Daddy.

You have lived with someone or alone on and off during our time together.   The first time you lived alone we had a little time together.  You were seeing others so it was not just about me.  I wish it had been.  You were pursuing others.  Some I knew about, some I knew more than others.  It was hard knowing I wasn’t your priority, even then.  There were times you lied, times you forgot me, but the times we were together, were simply amazing.  I wouldn’t trade any of that time for anything in the world.

When you made time for me I moved heaven and earth to make it happen.  I remember one time you wanted to go camping but the one you were courting wasn’t a big fan.  I cleared my calendar, set up an alibi and reason to be gone for the weekend, and was going to surprise you by saying I would go camping at the beach with you.  On the day I was going to tell you, you beat me to the punch and told me the one you were courting had agreed to go with you.  There was no need for me.

Then you were living with someone again.  Our time decreased from the mere moments we had down to nothing except for moments as friends.  We are amazing friends and I wouldn’t trade our friendship for anything.  We have been everything from friends, friends with benefits, D/s, Sir and Toy, Daddy and Toy.  Always friends through all of it.

You have never failed me as a friend.  No matter what my thoughts are when we talk or the words on these pages, I have never doubted you were there for me as my friend.  My best friend. You have witnessed me at my worst.   I have seen some of your darkest times.   That will never change.

You’ve lived alone for a while now.  About a year.  We have had a lot of truly amazing times.  As friends and lovers, D/s, and whatever else was needed.  It hasn’t always been easy but we have made time for each other.

You will be moving in with her in September.  Probably sooner because I fear your going back and forth will grow old for you.  Your lease is up in September so that will be the deadline.  I expressed my fears about our alone time diminishing again.  You said we at least had the summer.  The summer is going by so fast.  I feel myself tripping over all of our missed opportunities.  I wonder if you see the opportunities.  It seems you don’t.  It seems you don’t think about spending time with me in those moments when it makes sense to me.  There is so much to do with the new house I fear you will spend the summer working on the house and before we know it you will move in without a thought to the lost time we could have had together.  It saddens me, it scares me.

The curled up times on the couch, the cuddling.  The conversations meant for just you and I.  They will go away.  You mentioned we would have to have those moments at my place.  That is a beautiful thought but I fear that won’t happen.  We will struggle to make time.  You will struggle to get away.  It will be as it was before, again and again, there will be so little time.

I know you will try.  I know you want to be with me.  I just wish you wanted me as much as I want you.  That is my deepest wish.  That I was as intoxicating to you as you are to me.

So, as the summer ticks away I continue to count the opportunities that you don’t recognize and therefore miss.  Our mist opportunities grow in epic form and numerous marks on the calendar left blank with no time with each other.

Know that my heart is breaking.  I am sad most of the time.  I am sad until I am in your arms.  I am sad until I hear from you.  I mask it well with anyone other than you.   It isn’t your responsibility I suppose, and I know your life is busy with other things as you move forward with your life.  You always ask if I am angry.  I wish I could be.  I try to be angry.  I yell at you when I am alone.  I pretend you can hear me.  I scream all the things I wish you could see.  I yell all the things I wish you knew I was feeling.  I cry and wish you knew the pain I was feeling.   It always turns to sadness.  The anger fades with your next phone call or our next hug and kiss.  Everything melts away.

Forgive my sadness, forgive my quiet withdrawal, forgive my passive aggressive demeanor with you.  You created a faithful Toy destined to serve you and keep you happy, satisfied.  You taught me well.  I remain faithful.

I will continue my attempt to suppress the sadness.  The feelings of neglect.  The fear.  The loneliness.  I will continue to try, but I fear this will be the first task, the first time I will fail you.

Forgive me, Daddy.

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