Being alone and a part-time submissive has its challenges for sure. Holidays can suck. In essence, it is my reality that I am “the other woman”. The difference being the other women know about me and I them. This makes it honest and open, it does not make it easy. Knowing what he is up to is better than not knowing. Knowing he is with others is difficult. The happy medium is when I can be with him even when he is with others. Not being able to touch him is hard. Not being able to serve him is hard. Watching how I address him hard. It is all hard.
I sometimes wish I could be the type of submissive that doesn’t fall in love. That serve to serve and can have other intimate relationships when they are not able to serve. I’ve tried and I can’t. I also can not wrap my brain around the option of multiple Doms. No judgement, I just struggle with it. Maybe because he was my first, in my mind he will be my only. I can’t image the trust I have with him being an option with anyone else.
So holidays suck. This weekend will be more cleaning, yard work, and listening to the song “Girl Crush” by Little Big Town on repeat. Also spending a lot of time writing to pass the time and try to exorcise the demons that make me doubt I am still his Toy. The fear that the demons know the truth, and my heart is fooling me.