When I began this journey it was at the encouragement of my Dom at the time. I knew what to write. I would write of our stories and our experiences. Anyone who has followed me knows that ended badly and sadly. The loss of him has been devastating, but also liberating in some strange way. … Continue reading What to Write
So yesterday, I did a thing... I bought my ticket for Eroticon 2019!! I have been thinking, processing, analyzing, financially scrutinizing, and managing my anxiety over traveling alone abroad for months. I finally just bit the bullet and bought the ticket. I am so excited, and also more nervous than I have been about anything … Continue reading Eroticon 2019!!
I could not be any more excited to be a guest blogger on Kaylalords.com! As a new blogger and new to the kinky community I am always overwhelmed by how welcoming and supportive everyone is. It means a lot to newcomers to be able to branch out and get our stories out there. Thank you http://kaylalords.com for the … Continue reading The Office
Every weekend she makes sure she takes time to enjoy the outdoors. She had a path she normally takes in the local park in her neighborhood. Life gets so busy with the multiple responsibilities and obligations, that she promises herself the time to get outside and clear her head. The path she normally takes was … Continue reading A Walk in the Woods
It's Tuesday. It is almost time to log in. Every Tuesday she logs in and waits for the phone to ring so she can start her part-time job. She never would have imagined even three years ago she would be doing this kind of part-time job. Looking for a remote typing job and complaining to a friend … Continue reading A Twist on Phone Sex
I haven't liked Christmas for quite a while now. It is a long story, some I have written about and some I haven't. Tonight, I spent the evening with my Mom, as she navigated through the first Christmas Eve without my Step Dad. She is strong, positive, forward thinking and looking, and concerned that everyone … Continue reading Christmas thoughts
He hated haunted houses. How on earth did he get roped into this night? It is their bi-monthly gathering and unfortunately, his friends had found a haunted house that was open in December. What happened to the plan for a few drinks at a bar with old Christmas music, or maybe a piano bar? Was he … Continue reading The Haunted House with the Room of Fog
Ugh! The gym. Why is something that is supposed to be good for you such a chore? She has heard that if you do something for 30 days it becomes a habit. She can eat pizza every day for 30 days, instant habit. She has been going to the gym for over six months, not … Continue reading Why is something that is suppose to be good for you such a chore?
The conference had been long in a hotel with the air conditioner wars in each room. Then the drive home was in a car without air condition at all. Rolling the windows down brought swirling hot air that did little to help. It didn't feel like Christmas. It was hot and humid and sticky. She normally … Continue reading It Didn’t Feel Like Christmas
As the holidays approach it brings back all the feelings of loss. The loss of my Dad in March and the loss of my relationship in August. Two very different relationships but the pain is shared and intertwined as this hateful year heads toward a close. Every day I miss my Dad and as the … Continue reading When?
He is nice. He is quiet. He has a cute, hidden sense of humor that comes out only after you know him. She likes this. He loves dogs, has two of them. He takes his dogs everywhere with him. She likes this. He spends a lot of time with his family. Visits his parents and … Continue reading She likes this… She doesn’t like this.
Well, I saw a thread on twitter about plugins and WordPress and I freaked out because I had no idea what any of that meant. Thankfully, listening to @thesumtlancer and KaylaLords * A sexual Being I reached out to @DomSigns to find the thread where he was giving instruction. That lead to pretty much an afternoon of tech support far and above … Continue reading And… a slightly new look… again!
So this is more of a venting blog than anything else. So be warned, I'm grippy! I've been sick this past week. I have managed to live to 53 without experiencing a UTI. I have had irritational bladder issues after surgeries and childbirth. That burning feeling from having a catheter removed. Those kinds of things. … Continue reading Doctors feeling awkward.
I have experienced sex without consent. Looking back now, more times than I care to remember. My first sexual experience was with a boy that I barely knew. We went to the bedroom and were just going to "mess around". He was just going to "finger" me. He wasn't going to do anything I didn't … Continue reading Consent
She entered the store more frustrated then she wanted to me. She had driven all the way home to realize the security tag was still on the blouse she bought for an event that night. Knowing that returning the blouse meant the relaxing afternoon of a warm bath and slow "getting ready process" was out … Continue reading She Didn’t Care
It had been a long two weeks. The death of her father was unexpected. No death is ever easy even when it is anticipated. This one hit hard. Her mother had buried her first father after a heart attack and now her second husband dies the same way. Making sense of it was not possible. … Continue reading Sorry for your Loss
Coming from me this may sound weird. It feels a little weird too. I have never been dominant in anything. That isn't to say that someday I won't be, but for now, it just isn't me. So the Dom side of things has been something that I have been researching and reading about to get … Continue reading Out of Dom Space
When I started this blog I wasn't sure what I wanted it to be. I knew I wanted to start getting my writing out there, somewhere but wasn't sure what to do with it. It was a previous Dom that suggested I write smutty things. He knew I loved to write about all different things. … Continue reading Influence from other blogs, podcasts, books, etc.
I had another post planned for today. I have a list of things that I want to write about but the writing didn't come easy this weekend. I had planned to write all day yesterday but Saturday brought some emotional baggage that pretty much crippled me. I was in bed for most of yesterday. It … Continue reading Unexpected Love notes
She stared at the screen. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. No thoughts. No ideas. Nothing. The hum of the neighborhood activity was subtle but noticeable. Maybe that was the problem. She walked across the room and switched on the fan. It wasn't warm inside. It was the perfect temperature. October finally brought the cooler weather. The neighborhood … Continue reading Blocked
As soon as I think I have an original thought or question, my BDSM community comes to show me I am not alone. Others are struggling and dealing with some of the same issues. I am not blazing any trails. I am grateful for that! Loving BDSM podcast with Kayla Lords and John Brownstone never cease to … Continue reading Single and Submissive
Sometimes it is a statement that you hear randomly throughout the day. Sometimes, it is an original thought. Today, it was a song lyric. Driving to a wedding that I was very happy about but still sad and maybe even a little bitter at my own situation, I had the radio low. Through the traffic … Continue reading I’m in love with your potential
via Community, Cliques and Making Friends. This is an amazing read. Much of how I felt when I started blogging was that I wasn't worthy of association with these authors that push the limits and write about consensual, kinky, sex in ways I thought I could only imagine. In the beginning, I was clueless, … Continue reading Community, Cliques and Making Friends
September 2018 This month has been one of the hardest ever. In my journey to the new me and also the real me, I have had a mentor, friend, and guide. He was also my Dom, my Sir, my Daddy. Started with Sir, and then as I grew and progressed I understood and accepted the … Continue reading What Matters Most
Last week, she learned the guy she was talking to has a girlfriend. They aren't serious so it is OK. She was honest with him, and requested the same. Refreshingly, he was honest as well. She said she wasn't seeing anyone else and had stopped all the silly dating apps because they were getting along … Continue reading Open or Not?
The rain had finally stopped. Three long days of nothing but rain. The basement was a river. The yard, a mess. The house hot and muggy. The window air conditioner units couldn't keep up with the humid air that the rain had brought. She stepped outside on the front porch. It was muggy and humid, … Continue reading The Front Porch
There are many things that I love about BDSM and the different Kinks I have been exposed to thus far. I, surprisingly to myself, enjoy impact play most thus far. I never thought that I would. I have always hated being hit. In my past a cute tap on the ass as I was walking … Continue reading His Hand Print
I struggle with a title "mature". I don't feel old, so calling myself old doesn't feel right. Calling myself mature reminds me of how people explain women that are older so basically the same thing. It sucks really. I am in my early 50's. They say that 50 is the new 40 but to be … Continue reading Mature women like sex too!
This concept has always confused me. I could never understand why anyone, male or female, would consent to being humiliated. This is not a judgement. It is a personal feeling. All my life I have been made fun of. I was too fat, to short, the ugly friend. I was in the six grade with … Continue reading Humiliation
Much like I constantly redecorate the rooms in my house and clean like crazy when I have a lot of stuff going on and running through my mind, I decided to clean up the blog... which resulted in changing everything. I've thought a lot about the name on this blog. I created it with Sir … Continue reading New Look
I have always admired those people (men and women of any orientation) that can feel sexy on demand. I use to think it was easy for some, most actually, but time has taught me that this isn't so. In all fairness to myself it has been a hellish month. This weekend marks a month since … Continue reading Forcing sexy
I was at work today and had all these cool, sexy thoughts going through my brain. Lately, I have had very little thoughts that were anything other depressing and sad. I stopped writing because I was starting to annoy myself with the sadness. But today was different. They weren't thoughts of my past experiences with … Continue reading Pen and paper
She slowly accepted the truth. What she thought was the truth, guessed to be the truth. He said to move on that he was done. She is a follower of rules. His rules. She always followed and obeyed his wishes. This would not be any different. She responded to a text from someone who was … Continue reading This would not be any Different
If you’re a parent, today is a day to think about how you make your D/s work while raising kids. And if you’re not a parent yet, imagine how you might handle things if you have children. This is funny to me. When my daughter was growing up I was very vanilla. Her dad and … Continue reading Parenting – How do you make your D/s work while raising kids?
Can you think of tasks or rituals you already have or some you think you’d like to have that could be incorporated in a current or future D/s relationship? In my future D/s relationship I do want tasks and rituals. I am that type of person. I want to know what is expected and when … Continue reading Tasks and Rituals
Do you want to go to 24/7 at some point? I have always thought that I did. Now I am not so sure. Why or why not? My one and only experience in D/s was long distance and under cover of sorts. I enjoyed the idea of things, but I am not sure I would … Continue reading D/s 24/7?
This was today's thought-provoking email. I don't know how to respond to this one. On Monday, my Sir told me we were through. I made a mistake. A big one. He responded with the heat and temper I had witnessed but it was never directed at me. Through text he told me I was manipulative … Continue reading When a D/s relationship ends…
Have you ever felt a drop after kinky play? I have. We didn’t have huge long scenes often. Our timing was difficult. I remember the scene and I remember being so focused on my body. More so than ever before. I wasn’t worried about the way my body looked, the fat moving around, none of … Continue reading D/s Drop
You might have never heard of subfrenzy and still experienced it whether as the submissive or a Dominant. It’s a moment that happens for new submissives or submissives in new relationships where they get a little intense about their submission, sometimes to the detriment of their own safety. It can be overwhelming in healthy relationships … Continue reading Sub Frenzy
What do you think? Does it sound deliciously sexy? In my situation, I was always ready for sex or play. Looking back now I thought that was part of being submissive. I wanted to be available whenever he needed me. It was exciting. I was always prepared. Always had my nails done in the … Continue reading Sexual Availability
Orgasm control encompasses a lot of different play. I do not orgasm easily. I get in my head and all the crazy things go through my head. What do I look like? My stomach is so fat! Am I pleasing him? What’s next? This was much worse in my vanilla life. Since being with Daddy … Continue reading Orgasm control
Have you ever considered D/s without a sexual component? Woah! Nope! Admittedly, with sex is the only D/s I have known or heard about, but recent research has shown there is more to it than the norm. (Go figure). Although with my current situation it feels like D/s with no sex and most of the … Continue reading D/s without sex??
Have you done it in the past? I haven’t done this… yet. I have an interest, but it is something I have not tried and would be nervous about going alone. I don’t have any other friends that are into BDSM (that I know of). It is always such a taboo discussion item. Some are … Continue reading Community Involvement
Does it surprise you that you might not maintain the same level of D/s during the stressful times? No, this doesn’t surprise me at all. It is where I am in my situation right now. I don’t think this is unique to a D/s relationship. Many times, when things are stressful all parts of any … Continue reading Stressful Times
Long distance relationships, trips without your partner, simply not living together - it all adds up to one thing: being D/s even when you’re not together. The solution you find for your relationship will be specific to you and to your circumstances, but if you’re already living through a long-distance relationship or you think you … Continue reading Long Distance Relationships
Some rules determine behavior in public, others are about private behavior. Some rules may be more common but there’s no right or wrong here. Do you know what kind of rules you may want or need in your relationship? I think about this a lot. My D/s relationship is technically long distance so time is … Continue reading Rules
As a submissive, would you consent to a painful spanking as punishment? Yes, I would and do. It is interesting to me and surprising as well. When Daddy and I first started talking about moving forward with our D/s relationship we talked A Lot about what I thought it was and what I wanted. I … Continue reading Spanking as punishment?
How did you introduce D/s into your vanilla relationship? What worked and what didn’t? Ugh! Let’s start with what didn’t. My first long-term relationship was with my now ex-husband. We never talked about sex, we never communicated what was good and what wasn’t. We never really joked around or teased each other and there was … Continue reading Introducing D/s into your vanilla relationship
What does consent mean to you? Consent is something that allows you to feel comfortable in any situation. Consent is also fluid. Even with the best laid out plans, you can get to a point where your original consent is no longer comfortable or feels safe. I was always worried about consenting to something and … Continue reading Consent
What is your safe word? Daddy and I never really talked about safe words specifically. It took a long time before we were intimate and even longer before we did anything kinky. Having said that, he is a big supporter of them and believes they have a place and are important. He is very skilled … Continue reading Safe words
Do you know what your hard limits are? In the beginning, I fell into the category of “I’m your sub, whatever you want I will try”. Specifically this was meant for in the bedroom. I’ve listened to podcasts and talked to a few people about this and I think it is interesting what “hard limit” … Continue reading Limits
How do you handle negative emotions like anger, jealousy, and fear now? My past four years have been nothing but negative emotions honestly. My daughter’s addiction to heroin was revealed in December of 2014. 2015, getting her clean. 2016, keeping her clean and healthy. 2017, still working on getting my daughter on track, the end … Continue reading Negative Emotions
What is your communication style? Ugh! I am a “talker outer.” I want to talk about it, dissect it, rationalize it, justify it, from all perspectives. This is great if you're dealing with someone who is the same. I am a good listener. I believe listening is crucial and to listen carefully before you respond. … Continue reading Communication
How do you handle conflict now? Conflict is extremely difficult for me. I go back to my always wanting to make everyone happy and never wanting people to struggle, and feeling bad if I can’t fix things. So, conflict with me as a participant in the conflict is extremely difficult. I struggle. I will typically … Continue reading Handling Conflict
As a submissive, are you willing to allow a Dominant to discipline or punish you in your relationship? Yes, I am willing. At the beginning of this journey, this always puzzled me. I was learning what I liked and didn’t like a little at a time. It was a long process because it was part-time. … Continue reading Punishments, yes or no?
It is hard keeping my mind busy and occupied. I was asked to be patient and left with a long hug and gentle touches. So patient I will be. Why is it the hardest things to do are the things you must do. I want my mind to keep busy. I want my body to … Continue reading While patience is needed
This is interesting for me to think about. I rarely negotiate. I usually go along with the flow and try not to make waves. This comes from my need to make people happy and my fear and disdain of confrontation. When things come up where decisions are to be made I am usually comfortable with … Continue reading Negotiation
Beyond the basic title of Dominant or Submissive, are there other titles you prefer or are interested in exploring? Entering in this new type of relationship I had no idea how many layers and labels were out there. Submissive seemed to define me because I am just that submissive. After being around and through some … Continue reading Labels
What do you say when someone says that to you. I stare into his gorgeous face wrecked with seriousness and sadness. I'm scared to speak as the tears sting my eyes and my chest tightens. Ruined me? How could he think that? Because I'm sad about our situation and struggling with the distance? He looks … Continue reading I fear I have ruined you…
Does a submissive have certain Behaviors? Speaking for myself, I have specific behaviors that I now categorize as submissive but this was a late realization. I want to do for people. Make people happy, comfortable, have less stress in their life. I have always been the one to offer to help and rarely understand … Continue reading Submissive
Being submissive was a subtle realization. It started with the realization that I didn’t like sex. I swore it must be something wrong with me because anyone I talked to was having great sex. Couldn’t wait to have sex. I was at the point where I could take it or leave it I usually chose … Continue reading What does Dominance mean to me?
There are a few times that I have the opportunity to watch him sleep. We take advantage of when we can and I am always more grateful than words can express when I get to lay next to him and wake up with him in the morning. In past relationships, there was always a routine. … Continue reading Watching Him Sleep
Looking back, she saw the pattern. Every relationship she had had was based on the other person breaking up with their current partner to then be with her. She justified it time and time again. She was always their friends. It always started that way. I listening ear, a comforting word, open advice. It … Continue reading Looking back she saw the pattern
This was my short week with Friday off! I live for every other week and having that extra day. I was able to spend time with Mom and get her settled for our "big snow" was to hit, starting Saturday. I was able to spend time with a good friend (gym and then to pizza … Continue reading A snowy day
The past two weeks have been a mix of emotional and technical issue hell. Neither are resolved by any means, but I needed to touch base, write something, be connected. While the technical drama has been intense, I once again went to the trusty pen and paper so I have a lot of thoughts and … Continue reading Technical issues be damned!
Having my daughter, Ally, and her girlfriend, Fee, move in with me in June of this year was probably the best thing that could have happened. I was concerned that the three of us wouldn't live well together. Not for any specific reason. I remember moving back in with my Mom and while we love … Continue reading Moving back in with Mom!